So, consider yourself warned: this post will start out superficial, and then go deep.
Feel free to leave now if you so choose. :)
I've been finding and falling in love with new music lately. A lot of what has caught my ear has been acoustic, but there has been some alt-rock stuff, too. My love and use of Spotify has helped with that. I have built extensive lists of music for our upcoming wedding, since I need to have three different playlists, and it's been a wonderful resource for finding new artists and music.
My brain has continued thinking about the event-planning course of action that was mentioned a few posts ago. I'm not eliminating it from my list of possibilities -- so much so that I've actually changed the name of my photography business to go along with it remaining as a possibility. That means that I've had to redesign my business logo, and I'm creating a new website to go along with it. (I'll get into that elsewhere, so I'm not going to do that here.)
I have applied for another position on campus, much to my own bittersweetness.
I love my work family. I would miss them, my regular interaction with the students, and the familiarity with what I do there. The thought of starting something new is a bit frightening -- especially since I'm not unhappy where I am.
I think I'm just feeling an overall sense of overwhelm where I am. I'm expected to be a receptionist at a busy front desk AND an administrative assistant without any chance of staying late, coming in early, or working on the weekends. One or the other or a manageable mix of both, but don't give me one-and-three-fourths full-time assignments and expect it to be all done in the time of one without allowing for some leeway and comp time. (FLSA is kicking my butt.)
The position for which I applied is a different classification, meaning that I can work more than forty hours as necessary as the duties dictate. (Something that I would consider a boon in my current position, especially during the months of July and August when so much is happening administratively!) I also wouldn't mind the chance to just do the administrative piece for a while, and step out of the customer-service-centered role (since every job I've ever had has been heavily customer-service oriented). From what I've seen in my three years of experience, it's also a rare thing for administrative assistants to have a chance to move up or advance at the university. The position is for more money than I currently make, too, which is another boon.
It's been months since I've paid my bills in full.
At the time of writing this, I am currently behind on both credit cards, both student loans, and my phone bill. I think I also still have yet to pay the gas and electric bills for this month. We have a place to live, food to eat, a fed and happy pup, and cars to drive, so I don't feel like a complete failure.
I hate collection phone calls. I've gotten to the point that I don't even answer the phone unless it's someone I know. Granted, they're probably willing and able to help me figure out a payment plan, but I can't just do that when I'm driving home. I also don't like answering the phone when I'm at work -- which is the case a lot of the time when they call. I hate collection mail. I'm grateful that it only comes for the bills that I get electronically, but I don't like seeing the red PAST DUE stamped across the front. I know and understand that it's that psychology that makes people want to take action and remedy the situation, which is precisely why companies use the PAST DUE as they do. And it's not that I don't want to pay the bills -- I desperately, so desperately -- want to. We've just had a lot of expensive, unexpected events happen since we've moved in, and we haven't been able to really keep our heads above water.
We are just another sad American statistic about being one of the commonly-found households that couldn't financially survive a fiscally-catastrophic event. We have no savings. We have nothing liquid that would support us if one of us got laid off or injured and unable to work. We're living in an apartment that neither of us could even afford on our own. Combined, we don't even make the median household income of the city we live in, but we make too much to qualify for aid. (How does that work?)
Because of all this work and financial stress, I've been neglecting myself.
I just started a skincare routine again last week. (After not sticking to one for a month because my TimeWise cleanser from MaryKay ran out, and, in the face of all the financial stuff going on, I didn't feel like spending $20 on my face.) I'm using Aveeno Absolutely Ageless cleanser, and I had to give it a few days to know what to truly expect, but I like it. I still have lots of my other TimeWise accouterments, including the moisturizer and the day and night creams, so I have been supplementing the Aveeno cleanser with those, and they all seem to play nicely together. (Since allegations came out earlier this year about MaryKay and animal testing, I will not be replacing my current supply once it's gone and will probably transition to the complete line of Absolutely Ageless for my facial skincare needs.)
I have not been eating right or exercising, and my weight is nearly back up to where it was when I started the weight loss program that I've been doing. I figured that the weddings I shot last month counted as my exercise for the day, but then it became super-busy at work AND I had to cull and compress the images for client proofing, so I was (a) exhausted and (b) sitting a lot more when I got home. Of course, being tired prevented us from cooking at home more (a goal I've had for a long time) and choices were not always health ones. My body can tell that we haven't been active -- my legs hurt and my back is stiff.
Add in a nice batch of guilt for feeling like I should be doing some housework or working on some of our remaining wedding crafts when I have "free time" (like even now, for an example) and there's a nice big batch of "yep, that thirty-minute cardio and subsequent twenty-minute shower is not going to happen." All of this has also increased my stress-eating, something I didn't even really recognize was as pervasive in myself as it is until about four months ago. (So there have been quite a few trips to the vending machine at the end of the hallway for chocolate.)
I want to say that I'll get better now that this is all of my chest. That I'll start exercising twice a day, every day (which is what I need to do to feel like I did everything I could to get healthy come November 5) and that I'll suddenly get a grip on my finances and my time-management so I'll be able to do everything and the Renaissance woman I idealize myself being in my head. My apartment will always be immaculate and my refrigerator will always be full of prepped meals ready to go for the next two days. I will always have weight-loss shakes for breakfast, salads for lunch, and fruits for snacks.
For those who may not know, I've been on antidepressants for over a year. It's led me to feeling like a robot, time and time again.
While I don't feel the negative emotions as strongly as I once did, I also don't feel positive emotions much at all. My current "happy" or "content" is what was once a solid line in the middle of my emotional graph. It's like I don't feel anything unless it's a negative emotion or a primal one (fear).
I've also been seeing a therapist regularly over the last year. He's helping me deal with my anxiety, sense of low-worth, depression, and suicidality. He's trying to change the way that I talk to myself -- using caring, compassionate language instead of language that isn't very nice or loving. There are a lot of things that we need to unpack, because there are a lot of things I've been carrying for far too long. And some of those things that I've been carrying have morphed into something else and ingratiated themselves into my life in ways that are twisted and Stockholmsian, so we really have our work cut out for us.
I know things will get better.
They have to, right?
While I don't feel the negative emotions as strongly as I once did, I also don't feel positive emotions much at all. My current "happy" or "content" is what was once a solid line in the middle of my emotional graph. It's like I don't feel anything unless it's a negative emotion or a primal one (fear).
I've also been seeing a therapist regularly over the last year. He's helping me deal with my anxiety, sense of low-worth, depression, and suicidality. He's trying to change the way that I talk to myself -- using caring, compassionate language instead of language that isn't very nice or loving. There are a lot of things that we need to unpack, because there are a lot of things I've been carrying for far too long. And some of those things that I've been carrying have morphed into something else and ingratiated themselves into my life in ways that are twisted and Stockholmsian, so we really have our work cut out for us.
I know things will get better.
They have to, right?
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