Disguised

I knew this would be the outcome, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

After months of interviews, investigations, hoping, praying, dreaming, wondering, worrying, and waiting, it is official: the hiring process is continuing without me.

This is really one of those instances in life when I wish I could call someone up and ask them why. Why did they choose the other candidate over me? Was it something I said? Was it something they found in their background investigation? Was it something someone else said? (They talked to about ten other people besides me, not including former employers.)

I have not spent a lot of time in the "I am never applying for another job in my life" pool today. Most of what I have felt has been sadness.

This was going to be more than just a job to me; this position would have been a buoy.
Sure, it would have allowed me to move out of my parents' house and start saving money, but it also would have allowed me other things as well.
My boyfriend would have known where to look for work; now the answer is murky again.
My boyfriend would have had a place to go when his current "lease" is up.
I would have fixed my parents' furnace. (We're going on two weeks now without any heat in this house -- so far, I am the only one to have a cold, but I fear the pandemic is coming.)
I would have replaced the other two tires on my mom's car so she could drive safely to work without worrying about having a blowout.
I could have been a serious candidate for adopting my cousin's twins. Yes, really.
I would have had a set schedule so that things like a work-out routine and a walk for my dog would have been able to happen. I cannot work out from 7-8 every morning when I sometimes get off work at 10pm or have to be to work at 8am. My hours vary so much that I cannot make a schedule for anything. (Meal planning is interesting as it is!)

...but, my buoy is gone. I guess I will cling to these floating pieces of ship until they get waterlogged. I hate to sound so dramatic about it, but that's the way I honestly feel.
The little money I bring home from Target is enough to pay for my $117 worth of bills every month, but when you add in that I help buy groceries and I help buy household stuff (which is ok because I do live here, too) and I pay for my meals at work plus gas in the car, that doesn't leave me much room to accommodate for the nearly $800 in medical bills that I accumulated from having the flu in January. And while I enjoy my job at Target, it does not leave me feeling fulfilled. What good does it do the world for people to shop for things that they will just throw away?

Maybe me not getting this job is a blessing in disguise. The supervisor said in a prior interview that the new hire might only be around for 12-14 more months when departmental organizational changes were set to occur anyway, so maybe it's  a good thing that I didn't get the opportunity to sign a lease on an apartment.

My heart is growing weary of dreaming. It's time to pack up those dreams of moving out and FINALLY starting my life, and put them on a shelf marked "Someday."

There are so many unknowns right now.

I'm sure clarity will come.

Until then, it's time to let go of this and continue on.