Expectations

What is it with expectations in this society?
As a student of anthropology, I am convinced it's a part of our culture.
That being said, some of our expectations are messed up.

We hold that certain life events should happen at certain times, E.G.: start kindergarten at age 5, start driving at age 16, graduate college at age 21, be married and start to have children by 30, retire at 65, etc.

What about those who didn't start driving until later in life, like in their 20's? Or those who want a college degree, and have started taking credits, but still haven't graduated by the time they are 35?
Or those like me, who haven't had children by 30 and got married after 30?

I think that having expectations to live a certain way and have boxes that they are always working to check off causes a lot of undue and unnecessary pressure for people in modern American society. The interconnectedness of our social-media-driven world certainly doesn't help -- we can always see what the Joneses (or, to my younger millennials, the Kardashians) are up to, and we feel inadequate in some way if we are not as successful as those that we see elsewhere.

Worst of all, there aren't many messages out there that say that we are perfectly fine NOT fitting into those molds and following those recommended ages for things. The number of messages is growing, but the prevalence and persistence of the opposition are so deeply ingrained that many of us keep hearing a voice inside our heads criticizing ourselves for not getting x, y, and/or z crossed off by a certain age.

Articles that say things like "31 things women over 30 shouldn't wear" or "If you're a woman over 30, you need to stop saying these things" are being churned out so fast and popping up all over social media automatically as they are published (including Pinterest!) and then summarily consumed by people who are accustomed to being told "this is what you're doing by this age" so it's not questioned.

My life hasn't followed any sort of expected path.
Well, lately it hasn't.
I went to kindergarten when I was 5. I finished high school in four years, during which I learned to drive, held my first job, and had my first romantic relationship. (Lettering in academics was not something "expected" of most youths, though it was in my house, and, of course, "good little Becca" didn't let her parents down in that respect.) Right after graduating high school, I went to a four-year institution.
It was then that things got messed up. :)

I didn't get a degree from that institution. In fact, 14 years later I still don't have more than an Associate's Degree, and that I earned five years ago. I dated my now-husband ten years before we got married, and our nuptials were exchanged last November when I was 31 and he was 33. The only child we have is a furbaby. I've had a car repossessed. We live paycheck to paycheck. We rent an apartment and have zero savings.
We are not the poster-children of the ideal American life.

My husband didn't even get his driver's license until he was 23 -- after I taught him how to drive.

But here's something that we have going for us: we are learning to say "fuck 'em" in regards to the people who are apt to speak up and say, "You're over thirty! You should/shouldn't be..."

I have done a lot of self-work on learning to accept that I'm okay and my life isn't a complete even though I'm not living according to what society wants or expects of us.

I've also done a lot of work with learning to not throw in the towel when things aren't perfect, or to accept that I don't have to stress myself out to ensure that everything is perfect.

I'd like to say that I broke free of all this nonsense.

I haven't.
I still have anxiety over worrying that people expect me to always get everything perfect or if they will perceive me negatively. (Some of that has to do with their implicit bias toward overweight, white-perceived women, or my perceptions of what their implicit biases probably are.)

So if you are one of the people who are affected by the stupid, inane expectations that our culture holds, please know that you ARE NOT held to them -- you are doing the best you can. I promise.
If you aren't happy with what/how you're doing, then seek help on changing things up -- but only if it's what YOU want. Don't do it for your mom/husband/neighbor/boss. Change for you and only for you. All that said, you should change only if you want to. If the expectations held FOR you are the same ones that you hold for yourself, then you're good.

There's more I could say on this.
Like how it's women that are mostly affected by this. (Or at least that it's more socially acceptable for women to be held to these expectations. We have expectations about our expectations.)
And how these expectations spill over into what we eat and how we dress.

I'll save those for a later post. This one's already long enough.

Status Update: 32

I keep waiting for my existential crisis.

32 is here, and it once again came without wailing and gnashing.

I had a minor freakout when I noticed 30 was approaching, but not because it was 30. It was because I was childless and 30. (I had always set a goal for myself to have a child by the time I was 30. My mom had me when she was 29 and I remember being so afraid that she wouldn't be around to see certain milestones.) Here it is, two years beyond. I'm still childless, and I'm no longer freaking out. I'm good with it for now. It will happen when and if it is meant to.

There are several people that I know (and probably millions more that I don't know) who think they have to have things accomplished by a certain point.
I find that, for me, limiting.
If I'm supposed to have my career figured out by 25, number one I'm late coming into the game, and number two I have so many questions. What if I get into something and I'm not happy? What if I find something I'm passionate about at the age of 50?
I like to keep my doors open. Or, I like to open the doors myself and when I'm ready.
Of course, there are some doors that will open whether you are ready for them or not. The trick is to not look too surprised.
There will be other doors that you will shut and then nail boards between the jambs with some dire warning painted across them. Sometimes the ghoul beyond will find its way out. If it does, just hunker down and prepare to fight. That just means that you weren't meant to be done with it.

That isn't to say that the folks who hold themselves to those age-based standards are wrong or silly or whatnot. It just means that they are holding themselves to different (and some might say more anxiety-producing) standards than I am. And that's fine. I'm just trying to go with the flow. And that's fine, too.

These are the things I've learned in my 31 years of living.

I can't wait to see what I learn in this 32nd.

A relevant song:

Things.

Photography Things

In November, I registered my business as a trade name and set myself up as an SP (sole proprietorship).
When we get our taxes back, I am taking it even further: registering a domain, setting up my dotcom, opening a business checking account, rearranging myself from an SP to an LLC, and a bunch of other business things. I'm not letting it go this time. I'm trying to get the documentary session thing set up, I have a bunch of marketing stuff up my sleeve, and I'm super passionate about it. (I have been, but I'm not in a whirlwind of my own shit right now, so I can actually keep the enthusiasm where it needs to be.)

Other Work Things

My supervisor is hella impressed with the things that I've been doing (I'm doing so much more work than what was laid out in my job description) so she put in for a promotion. We did the work of rewriting my job description and essential duties and figuring out what percentage of time I did what. Then it was off to HR for approval.
The promotion didn't go through.
My supervisor regrouped and formed a new plan: if they won't take a promotion, let's try for a raise. So, same story, different verse: we added a few more essential duties and reworded a few things (our department's HR representative didn't know what a cohort was -- she said it was too department-specific) and submitted a request for a large percentage raise. I just got word last night that it was approved, effective today. (So the raise should be noticeable with my next check!)
I am so grateful and ecstatic for it -- we could sure use the money!

Life Things
As I said, we could use the money.
We had to spend $734 on repairing my car last month. A tune up (new spark plugs! yeah!) and new brakes, rotors, and hardware.

This is straining on anyone, especially when you're living paycheck to paycheck as it is, as we are. (Which is another reason why I'm going to be launching the photography thing with fervor.) Jake's car is going to need new tires soon and mine probably not long to follow. My car will be paid off this year, though, and then we'll have that money left over in the bank!

In the vein of money conversation, our monthly rent went up by $74. I hope that it forces and keeps away those who refuse to clean up after their dogs.

And one of the issues that we're running into here, too, is that some of our neighbors don't want to obey the law. Colorado says that you can smoke marijuana if you are 21+, but the apartment complex receives federal monies and, because of that, they say that you can't smoke it here. (I smell it enough times to know that that rule isn't being followed!)

School is going okay. I still have an A in the class. (It's so easy to get straight A's when you're taking just one class.) There have been a few weeks when I haven't posted on our discussion boards by the due dates -- a few times I forgot, once I didn't want to, and last night I was in and out of the bathroom so much that I didn't get a chance to between everything else. 

But, I'm still plugging along in that respect. I'm absolutely loving my class! I've enrolled for another one in the summer. We'll see how that goes -- summer is one of my busiest seasons at work, and this one will be even busier as my department is moving into a new building in mid-June. 

Torn.

Ladies and gentlemen and occasional readers of my humble thoughtspill on the interwebs: I am torn.

I feel pulled in different directions, and I'm not sure where to go from here. I know what my heart is telling me, and I know what my head is telling me, and it would be so much easier if it were the same message from both of them.

I expect there will be a decision made soon, whether by me or not, and I'll share it with you when it happens.

Nearly Mid-February Update

I find myself already embroiled in this new year.
Securely in the throes of the semester, both as a student (whose first paper of the semester is due next weekend) and as an employee (whose daily workload is ever-increasing and never ceasing), I am busy.
Wedding season has taken off for my co-shooter and me -- we photographed our first elopement yesterday, and have the next two weekends booked with wedding photography and related ephemera.
I survived my first-in-a-long-time severe illness a few weeks ago, and the dredges are still clinging to me. It was a viral cold that turned into a bacterial infection and had me out of the world for six days. The fever broke (thanks to azithromycin) and the green ick stopped showing up in my spittal, but there is still a significant amount of PND that I experience and that is causing a pretty regular sore throat. (Thankfully, a humidifier at night and DayQuil/NyQuil seem to be helping to keep it at bay.)

So...all of these things is why I haven't posted in the last month!

I have a handful of posts rumbling around in my head that I plan to share very soon.
One of them pertains to the Women's March from last month and all the fallout that's come about because of it.
One of them pertains to the current POTUS and my thoughts around all that nonsense.
One of them is about my personal journey and thoughts that I have regarding life in general.

There are probably others, too, but I'm not finding them on the top of my brain right now.

Catch ya on the flip!

Thoughts on the New Year + A Cleansing Ritual

Yesterday my thoughts were full of the traditions that we associate with New Year's Day.

Resolutions.
Special meals.

Rituals.

Celebrations.

I thought about how strange it was that we associate the turning of a calendar with making changes. Why is it that we associate change with the starting of new years but not the starting of new months or weeks? Why not days?

My husband's family eats Hoppin' John every New Year's Day as a way to ensure good luck throughout the year. But does it ever really affect change? (Will we ever know? How could we know?)

As I was showering yesterday, I came up with a new tradition that I'd like to instill in my own life, and one that I think is important for everyone to consider adopting into their own lives.

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The First Shower (An exercise in intention, self-love, and acceptance)
The first shower you take in the new year -- be it after you get home from the party, or when you wake up in the morning, or after your first workout...whenever, really -- should be set with intentions.

I'm listing this in the order that my showers go (hair, face, body) but you can change the steps to fit your shower. This isn't so much a way of changing your shower routine as it is adding an extra step of love to your first shower of any year. You don't want to bring any more baggage from last year with you than necessary. The only thing I might suggest is using a clean towel so as to not undo the intentions you set in your shower by using a towel that the negatively-charged body experienced.

As you get your body acclimated to the water temperature, also get your mind acclimated to a new way of thinking. This is what sets the tone for the rest of your shower.

Let the water run over your head (frontways or backways) and onto your skin. This symbolizes that the thoughts that you are about to think during your shower will flow from your head to the rest of your body, as fluidly and completely as the water does.

Wash your hair as you normally would -- don't change the routine. Think of the negative things you thought about your hair the previous year (too short, too long, the wrong color, too staticky, too much gray, too curly, etc.) and visualize those negative thoughts washing away in the water as you rinse the shampoo out. If you use a separate conditioner, then you can repeat the process if you'd like to.

If you wash your face in the shower (I do), wash it as you always do. As you apply the cleanser or scrub, think about all the things that you thought about your face: E.G., too many wrinkles here at the side of my eyes, too many breakouts along my chin, too many blackheads on my nose, too much plucking always needs done frequently here between my eyebrows, etc. Wash those away in the water when you rinse.

As you wash your body in the shower, do something similar with each area as you cleanse it: I.E. areas that you thought were too big, had too much cellulite, weren't big enough, caused you pain and made you hate them, etc.

Dry off as usual. (See my note about the towel from earlier. Makes more sense now, right?)

If you apply lotion or moisturizers, think about the positive things that you think about each area of your body as you apply it. (These are just examples. Use something that works for you and that applies to your life, and feel free to say as much thanks as you want for each area. I've only listed a few, but you could go on and on.)
"Thank you, face, for greeting the world for me each day."
"Thank you, eyes, for lighting up when I'm excited."
(If you are visually-abled, you could say, "Thank you, eyes, for letting me see the beauty of this world / my children's faces / the sunset / [something specific that applies to your life]."
"Thank you, knees, for letting me use you to rest things on." (If you are temporarily mobility-abled, you could say, "Thank you, knees, for climbing the stairs to my apartment / for taking me through the aisles of the grocery store.")
"Thank you, hands, for allowing me to feel the softness of my dog's fur / the warmth of my coffee cup each morning / the comfort of my partner's hand."
Do this for each area that you apply lotion or moisturizer to.

Click here to print this ritual out.

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So what do you think? Is it something you want to incorporate into your life?
And if so, are you going to do it as each year changes, as the calendar months flip, or as each day starts? 

Thinking Ahead.

I'm already thinking ahead to next year.
About what I want to do and be. About what I want to change and improve from this year's version of myself.

I want to start a meditation practice. It will help, I think, to rediscover my center and increase my mindfulness. I'm going to set aside a space that's for meditation and use it for just that. Whether it's a pillow that I pull out from under the accent table near the sofa and have my meditation and focus objects on the table, or do something similar in my closet, I want to make sure that the space I have set aside has what I'll need and that it can be used easily and without distraction.

I am going to be doing more with my photography in the coming year, especially refining it, now that I have a name for the style of photography that I love doing. (Hop over to my photo blog for more information on that!)

I hope to start journalling again. A personal journal will supplement the meditative practice that I mentioned. It will help to get the gunk out of my head. I've added some stuff to my Amazon wish list to help out with this. I've also got plans and hopes to start another journal for the future -- something that came about after the election madness. (My previous post will elaborate a bit more, though I'm not going into a lot of detail here. My twitter account, however, is pervasively active in the pursuit of the idea that America elected the wrong person on November 8.)

I also am going to start eating primarily vegetarian again on January 1. The only times I won't is when we are at family gatherings and the host would have to inconvenience him or herself to provide me a non-meat meal. I've given myself a lot of hate about when I stopped being vegetarian. It was all out of convenience and that is reprehensible, so I'm fixing it.

I'm not going to hold myself to any sort of promise about this, but if I were to start writing fiction stories again (whether short stories or one of the novels I have had rolling in my head for years) I would love it.

I'm definitely going to continue trying to be the best human, wife, friend, coworker, and admin assistant that I can be. Those are always givens on my list.

I hope that my life will be filled with more changes and more improvements that just what I've listed here, but if not, I will be pretty satisfied. While these changes and improvements don't seem like much to folks outside of my life, they are pretty important to me.

♥

Thankstaking.

Today was a hard day for me.
There were lots of heavy things that I was carrying.

Yes, I know that it was Thanksgiving Day for my fellow Americans.
Yes, I did attend a Thanksgiving meal put on by my in-laws.

It was still a very heavy day.

My heart was laden with recent events that have occurred in this country.
The election & watching my countrymen allow a bigot to become our leader and world representative. (The impact of this was exponentially increased by me finding out last night that one of the people in attendance at today's lunch wanted said bigot to become president - because of the party he was running in and the values associated with said party... Um...don't get me started.)
Everything that has happened and is happening at Standing Rock.
The anniversary of the deaths of Jordan Davis and Tamir Rice the same week that James Means was killed.
Reconciling the Native American blood in my veins against the holiday itself - one that is introduced to children as a happy time when natives and pilgrims shared a meal. This particular aspect of the holiday was exponentially increased by the goings-on at Standing Rock.

But, I went to a lunch with my heavy heart.
I went with my camera -- it was my security blanket and gave me something to do in the silences. It helped ease my anxiety and allowed me to flit from room to room without looking lonely or lost.
I went with the appreciation of what the day has become - a holiday in which we remember all of our blessings and the things that we have to be thankful for - a phoenix rising from the ashes of genocide and misinformed histories.
I went with my husband, knowing that those in attendance would be people who love and support me. (The Republican presidential nominee supporter got lots of side-eye...I'm not sure that anyone who wanted that man in office could love me...)
I went with the wonderful challah loaf that I had to smell him baking last night.
I went and ate (probably) too much food. I went and drank my wine and coffee and ate the pie.

I am grateful to be home, and to be going to bed soon.
I hope next year it isn't too heavy.

Today.

I have started and abandoned many posts since my last one.

Yes the wedding was this weekend.
Yes I have things to say about it.

But that's not what I'm here to do now.

Today, as I'm sure the developed world is well-aware by now, is Election Day here in the US.

The choice is really between an egotistical, misogynistic, bigot and a woman who sent some emails and who chose to stay with her husband after he had an affair.
There are a slew of other names on the ballot this year, but let's face it: those two are the big contenders.

We have someone who could negatively effect the lives of millions of American citizens, present and future, and someone who could tax the rich.

Since Thursday and Anticipating

{Welcome to another iteration of one of those random posts that occasionally shows up on this blog.}

I have really been into acoustic music lately.

My radio station of choice has been The Colorado Sound (found locally at 105.5, and online at ColoradoSound.org). They don't have commercials, which is one reason I haven't changed it. Also, the music they play is kick-ass. The stations features a mix of acoustic songs, old favorites (and not just from the 90's!), and new songs. Mindful of music history, they also play a song based on what happened on that day in history. (For example, on the anniversary of Johnny Cash's death, they played "Folsom Prison Blues.") 

Sometimes I'll switch to NPR's local music station
My Spotify playlists heavily feature acoustic music, and also include rock (indie, folk, mainstream) and country. I have accumulated music on personalized playlists there for the wedding, too, featuring music from all of those genres (and some not listed.)
I've also enjoyed branching out and trying new music there. Last night it was a playlist called "African  Heat" which is a collection of hits that are hot on the African continent right now. Not only was the music awesome, but, as an anthropology student, it gave me a unique perspective into various cultures around Africa. (And there were some notable themes, too.)

This weekend was a relaxing one.
I took a nap Saturday and had the windows open for most of the day. Jake was off to Greeley to watch a movie with his brother. I got photos edited and then, without much warning, went to help a friend shoot some senior photos in Greeley. Any time there is photography involved, it's a great time.
(In fact, having a camera in my hand last weekend at my bridal shower helped to calm my nerves of awkwardness.)

We were up late Saturday night and ended up sleeping in til 11 on Sunday to make up for it. (Oops.) Then we went out for pancakes as one final carb-heavy breakfast for me because I started the induction phase of Atkins today.

I managed to survive a trip to the grocery store without my anxiety/depression meds in my system. (They are far enough gone out of my system that I can tell they are gone.) It was a questionable survival -- my anxiety level rose significantly at least two times that I can remember.

And yes, you read that right -- I am starting Atkins.

I have seen success in Jake's aunt, uncle, and cousin, so I am wanting to give it a shot.
Is is a smart idea starting it with the wedding less than six weeks away? Maybe not. But if I can get to the point where I don't need the corset and the Spanx, I will be happy. I don't want to have to buy a  new dress or have more stuff done to the one I have by any means -- I don't want need to incur another expense or have alterations take more time than they are. 

I was very excited to see that you can do Atkins as a vegetarian, so long as (during induction, at least) you source your proteins from soy. I'll be doing a mix of both vegetarian and non-vegetarian options to get varying protein sources in my diet. We bought bacon, eggs, chicken, sliced ham, two kinds of tofu, lots of frozen veggies, two bags of salad mix, and a steak -- that way Jake has a variety of foods, too. He's not doing this with me, but he does have to eat the same (or similar) at-home meals that I am.

So far the induction piece hasn't been bad. I had two hard boiled eggs for breakfast and broccoli, ham, and red wine vinaigrette for lunch. I brought a bag of salad greens, four more hard-boiled eggs, and a seafood snacker in case I get peckish later. (Which I probably will because I'm feeling hungry right now.)

Friday I heard about the job. At this time they are not pursuing my candidacy for the position.
I'm honestly a bit lost -- I pictured myself there so vividly that returning to my job without the possibility of parole is a bit shocking. (And so far today we have been incredibly busy and it's felt incredibly overwhelming today.) I don't know what that means. We typically expect overwhelming busyness for the first two weeks of each semester, but we are entering week five and there is no end to the pace.
I've told my supervisor that it feels like I'm having to do one full time job and another 3/4 time job, but I'm only allowed to do 1 full time job and it's really overwhelming. I don't know how to manage this, and I'm scared to admit that.
She has said that she feels like our office is a volcano that is bubbling, and it reached the point of starting to seep out of the top. I have felt like that for a long time, and, even though she mentioned it, I feel like a failure because of it.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a place here in town to look at our finances and help us possibly reduce our debt. I hope they can help us. I don't like feeling like a failure. I'm not even sure what happened, really -- I was doing fine when I was living on my own. My bills were paid on time (maybe one or two times when I was late). One thing I know that happened is that we are dining out quite a bit because neither of us feel like cooking -- I rarely dined out when I was living alone. My meals were planned, I had portions of things in my fridge - even snacks.

Blah.

Tomorrow also brings another dress appointment.
This one will hopefully be my last one. (I still have to get that sucker cleaned, yo.)
Two of my bridesmaids are coming to see how I get into it and see how it's bustled, so they can help if my mom isn't able to help either time. (And typically I think that bridesmaids help with the bustling, anyway, but what do I know, really.)

Anyway, this is going to be one helluva ride.
Between no meds, no carbs, and lots of things to do, I'm going to be sleeping a lot and may not get a chance to update this.
(I've been treating it like a diary anyway, kinda, so maybe I'll need to make a point to make a post or two.)

Here Comes the Rain Again

So many things on my brain right now.

Waiting to hear back from the interview. The busyness in my current position. House cleaning things. Wedding things. Family things. Health things. Money things. (And somehow they are all tied together, besides the knot that binds them all in my brain.)

I'm a little bit "thinged" out at the moment.

But that's not why I decided to post today.

I wanted to post to get my brain away from those things, so I'll be talking about something else for a bit. :)

I've created some secret boards on Pinterest that I have been saving ideas to for event planning stuff.
I've discovered that I really do love weddings, entertaining, decorating, and helping people plan their events.
I can't go anywhere now without looking at layouts of rooms, mentally choosing decor that would go together for a theme / season, and thinking about what the interior of buildings [would] look like and what it would be like to have a wedding / reception in that space.

It's one dream that I really don't think will ever come to fruition, but it sure is fun to think about.

I kind of place that in the realm of staying home and doing the photographer thing full time: probably won't happen (unless some wonderful windfall befalls us and I can seriously upgrade my equipment) but re-emerging and fun to entertain the thought of.

There's some saying out there that if something keeps coming up for you, you should pursue it.
If a dream reoccurs, you should look into it.
If there's a passion that you can't get out of your mind, you should look into pursuing it.

Just coming from where I'm at emotionally and psychologically right now, those two dreams (event planning and photography) are not meant for someone like me. They are better left for someone with more...just more.
I'm better relegated to the blue- and pink-collar industries. No entrepreneurship for me. I shouldn't even think about it. It isn't for "people like me."

...and now I've slipped into the world of negativity again.

I'm going to stop now, in case it gets worse and continues. #nodownwardspirals