Today was a hard day for me.
There were lots of heavy things that I was carrying.
Yes, I know that it was Thanksgiving Day for my fellow Americans.
Yes, I did attend a Thanksgiving meal put on by my in-laws.
It was still a very heavy day.
My heart was laden with recent events that have occurred in this country.
The election & watching my countrymen allow a bigot to become our leader and world representative. (The impact of this was exponentially increased by me finding out last night that one of the people in attendance at today's lunch wanted said bigot to become president - because of the party he was running in and the values associated with said party... Um...don't get me started.)
Everything that has happened and is happening at Standing Rock.
The anniversary of the deaths of Jordan Davis and Tamir Rice the same week that James Means was killed.
Reconciling the Native American blood in my veins against the holiday itself - one that is introduced to children as a happy time when natives and pilgrims shared a meal. This particular aspect of the holiday was exponentially increased by the goings-on at Standing Rock.
But, I went to a lunch with my heavy heart.
I went with my camera -- it was my security blanket and gave me something to do in the silences. It helped ease my anxiety and allowed me to flit from room to room without looking lonely or lost.
I went with the appreciation of what the day has become - a holiday in which we remember all of our blessings and the things that we have to be thankful for - a phoenix rising from the ashes of genocide and misinformed histories.
I went with my husband, knowing that those in attendance would be people who love and support me. (The Republican presidential nominee supporter got lots of side-eye...I'm not sure that anyone who wanted that man in office could love me...)
I went with the wonderful challah loaf that I had to smell him baking last night.
I went and ate (probably) too much food. I went and drank my wine and coffee and ate the pie.
I am grateful to be home, and to be going to bed soon.
I hope next year it isn't too heavy.
Showing posts with label dichotomous. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dichotomous. Show all posts
Thursday, November 24, 2016
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Day 151
Yesterday marked my 150th day in this apartment. By the calendar, Thursday will be my fifth month here. Crazy.
What have I learned in the last five months?
A lot, and not very much, all at the same time.
I have learned that time management skills won't develop any easier if it's just you or if you have five other people around you -- it's something that I think parents should start working on early with their kids.
I have learned that I don't appreciate the mundane as much when I'm by myself. That sunrise? Yeah, it's beautiful, but if I had someone to share it with, it would increase in significance to me.
I have learned that I get lonely. The one friend I had living in this town when I moved over here has since taken on a new position and left a vacancy at the university. Her new-found busyness also means that we don't have time to connect after work. (Our food blog has even been put on hold because of it.) The bar scene isn't for me, so meeting new people is out. Basically, I talk to coworkers and clients at work, then come home and spend time with my dog. I don't have a social base or a social life. That's great, in that there's nothing wrong with it, but it is also very isolating. (I accept and recognize that I have social anxiety, so it is partially related to that.)
This one doesn't have anything to do with the apartment or my independence, but it is something I've learned: my numbers. My current weight, my BMI, my waist circumference. They were all there, at the periphery of my knowledge -- estimates, really -- but they had not been concrete... Until I signed up for the Mindful Eating Class offered by the nutrition center on campus. (I'll be vulnerable and honest here: I'm not sure I'll fare very well.)
I have learned that I am not easily defined. Sure, I've struggled for years with writing those small, character-limited "About Me" sections, but here, on my own, just how many lines are blurred is only starting to become clear. For example, I've been a card-maker for years, but so many other crafty projects appeal to me. When Jake & I were cohabitating a few years ago, I tried my hand at making cakes from scratch, but that fell away when I moved back in with parents whose oven wasn't working. I guess you could say I'm a true Gemini in that my interests are varied and I'd like to dabble in a lot -- to see "who I really am." But even when I completely nail down who I am, I know that could change the next day/week/month. I am a changing creature, a chameleon. I go with intuitive whims and ideas. So, I've chosen to define myself by the unchanging things: my principles. The rest is noise.
I have learned that I can do it by myself. Yep, that's right: the cooking, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, caring for the dog...that's all me. I complain about cleaning (I hate doing dishes, y'all) but I love the outcome -- so I do it. And who pays my bills? Oh yeah, that's right: me. Gas, dishes, dog food, rent...that's all me. Sure, I take my laundry to my parents' house when I get a chance -- but there are some who get a lot more free than just a $5/wk laundry credit. There are only a handful of people that I know, personally and professionally, that can say that they have been independent for an extended period in their lives -- getting no financial assistance from anyone, in any way. I have a car loan, yes -- that I'm paying back. I have student loans, yes -- that I'm paying back. I have a credit card, yes -- that I'm paying back. There is no running to mom or dad asking to borrow money for the rent this month because things got out of hand; there is no one else. If I can't do it, I fail. I haven't failed yet.
I have learned that people will judge what they do not understand. Truthfully, this is something I've known for a long time, but it has become apparent that they will judge EVERYTHING that they do not understand. If I complain about my neighborhood or apartment in any way, people roll their eyes and say, "Well, that's what you get for moving there." Um, my city has a high rent-rate: I'm paying $785 for 400 square feet. That's not as high as some areas of the US, but I could get a two bedroom, one bath, with washer-dryer hookups in the city I was commuting from for the same as this apartment (that has a kitchen the size of some apartments' walk-in closets....36 sq ft). This starter apartment is great for getting some renter's history under my belt as well as serving the needs I have right now.
I have learned that I will always be learning things: knowledge that I, again, brought with me to this apartment.
What have I learned in the last five months?
A lot, and not very much, all at the same time.
I have learned that time management skills won't develop any easier if it's just you or if you have five other people around you -- it's something that I think parents should start working on early with their kids.
I have learned that I don't appreciate the mundane as much when I'm by myself. That sunrise? Yeah, it's beautiful, but if I had someone to share it with, it would increase in significance to me.
I have learned that I get lonely. The one friend I had living in this town when I moved over here has since taken on a new position and left a vacancy at the university. Her new-found busyness also means that we don't have time to connect after work. (Our food blog has even been put on hold because of it.) The bar scene isn't for me, so meeting new people is out. Basically, I talk to coworkers and clients at work, then come home and spend time with my dog. I don't have a social base or a social life. That's great, in that there's nothing wrong with it, but it is also very isolating. (I accept and recognize that I have social anxiety, so it is partially related to that.)
This one doesn't have anything to do with the apartment or my independence, but it is something I've learned: my numbers. My current weight, my BMI, my waist circumference. They were all there, at the periphery of my knowledge -- estimates, really -- but they had not been concrete... Until I signed up for the Mindful Eating Class offered by the nutrition center on campus. (I'll be vulnerable and honest here: I'm not sure I'll fare very well.)
I have learned that I am not easily defined. Sure, I've struggled for years with writing those small, character-limited "About Me" sections, but here, on my own, just how many lines are blurred is only starting to become clear. For example, I've been a card-maker for years, but so many other crafty projects appeal to me. When Jake & I were cohabitating a few years ago, I tried my hand at making cakes from scratch, but that fell away when I moved back in with parents whose oven wasn't working. I guess you could say I'm a true Gemini in that my interests are varied and I'd like to dabble in a lot -- to see "who I really am." But even when I completely nail down who I am, I know that could change the next day/week/month. I am a changing creature, a chameleon. I go with intuitive whims and ideas. So, I've chosen to define myself by the unchanging things: my principles. The rest is noise.
I have learned that I can do it by myself. Yep, that's right: the cooking, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, caring for the dog...that's all me. I complain about cleaning (I hate doing dishes, y'all) but I love the outcome -- so I do it. And who pays my bills? Oh yeah, that's right: me. Gas, dishes, dog food, rent...that's all me. Sure, I take my laundry to my parents' house when I get a chance -- but there are some who get a lot more free than just a $5/wk laundry credit. There are only a handful of people that I know, personally and professionally, that can say that they have been independent for an extended period in their lives -- getting no financial assistance from anyone, in any way. I have a car loan, yes -- that I'm paying back. I have student loans, yes -- that I'm paying back. I have a credit card, yes -- that I'm paying back. There is no running to mom or dad asking to borrow money for the rent this month because things got out of hand; there is no one else. If I can't do it, I fail. I haven't failed yet.
I have learned that people will judge what they do not understand. Truthfully, this is something I've known for a long time, but it has become apparent that they will judge EVERYTHING that they do not understand. If I complain about my neighborhood or apartment in any way, people roll their eyes and say, "Well, that's what you get for moving there." Um, my city has a high rent-rate: I'm paying $785 for 400 square feet. That's not as high as some areas of the US, but I could get a two bedroom, one bath, with washer-dryer hookups in the city I was commuting from for the same as this apartment (that has a kitchen the size of some apartments' walk-in closets....36 sq ft). This starter apartment is great for getting some renter's history under my belt as well as serving the needs I have right now.
I have learned that I will always be learning things: knowledge that I, again, brought with me to this apartment.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Dichotomous
One of my favorite things is being able to feel more than one emotion at a time.
For example, during my college graduation a week ago yesterday, I felt both relief that it was over and sad that I was saying goodbye. (Goodbyes and I do not really get along that well.)
I mourned the chances missed while welcoming the broad new avenues ahead.
Admittedly, it can be hard to know which emotion to express when one feels two at once. For me, they usually war between themselves and surface at varying times. I cried, and then smiled, and then cried. It was like I was manifesting a small-scale manic-depressive attitude.
That was not my first dichotomous emotional experience, and neither do I reckon it to be my last.
I just hope that I'm able to feel the true depths of the emotions out fully, when more than one of them are present at a time.
For example, during my college graduation a week ago yesterday, I felt both relief that it was over and sad that I was saying goodbye. (Goodbyes and I do not really get along that well.)
I mourned the chances missed while welcoming the broad new avenues ahead.
Admittedly, it can be hard to know which emotion to express when one feels two at once. For me, they usually war between themselves and surface at varying times. I cried, and then smiled, and then cried. It was like I was manifesting a small-scale manic-depressive attitude.
That was not my first dichotomous emotional experience, and neither do I reckon it to be my last.
I just hope that I'm able to feel the true depths of the emotions out fully, when more than one of them are present at a time.
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