Status Update: 32

I keep waiting for my existential crisis.

32 is here, and it once again came without wailing and gnashing.

I had a minor freakout when I noticed 30 was approaching, but not because it was 30. It was because I was childless and 30. (I had always set a goal for myself to have a child by the time I was 30. My mom had me when she was 29 and I remember being so afraid that she wouldn't be around to see certain milestones.) Here it is, two years beyond. I'm still childless, and I'm no longer freaking out. I'm good with it for now. It will happen when and if it is meant to.

There are several people that I know (and probably millions more that I don't know) who think they have to have things accomplished by a certain point.
I find that, for me, limiting.
If I'm supposed to have my career figured out by 25, number one I'm late coming into the game, and number two I have so many questions. What if I get into something and I'm not happy? What if I find something I'm passionate about at the age of 50?
I like to keep my doors open. Or, I like to open the doors myself and when I'm ready.
Of course, there are some doors that will open whether you are ready for them or not. The trick is to not look too surprised.
There will be other doors that you will shut and then nail boards between the jambs with some dire warning painted across them. Sometimes the ghoul beyond will find its way out. If it does, just hunker down and prepare to fight. That just means that you weren't meant to be done with it.

That isn't to say that the folks who hold themselves to those age-based standards are wrong or silly or whatnot. It just means that they are holding themselves to different (and some might say more anxiety-producing) standards than I am. And that's fine. I'm just trying to go with the flow. And that's fine, too.

These are the things I've learned in my 31 years of living.

I can't wait to see what I learn in this 32nd.

A relevant song:

Things.

Photography Things

In November, I registered my business as a trade name and set myself up as an SP (sole proprietorship).
When we get our taxes back, I am taking it even further: registering a domain, setting up my dotcom, opening a business checking account, rearranging myself from an SP to an LLC, and a bunch of other business things. I'm not letting it go this time. I'm trying to get the documentary session thing set up, I have a bunch of marketing stuff up my sleeve, and I'm super passionate about it. (I have been, but I'm not in a whirlwind of my own shit right now, so I can actually keep the enthusiasm where it needs to be.)

Other Work Things

My supervisor is hella impressed with the things that I've been doing (I'm doing so much more work than what was laid out in my job description) so she put in for a promotion. We did the work of rewriting my job description and essential duties and figuring out what percentage of time I did what. Then it was off to HR for approval.
The promotion didn't go through.
My supervisor regrouped and formed a new plan: if they won't take a promotion, let's try for a raise. So, same story, different verse: we added a few more essential duties and reworded a few things (our department's HR representative didn't know what a cohort was -- she said it was too department-specific) and submitted a request for a large percentage raise. I just got word last night that it was approved, effective today. (So the raise should be noticeable with my next check!)
I am so grateful and ecstatic for it -- we could sure use the money!

Life Things
As I said, we could use the money.
We had to spend $734 on repairing my car last month. A tune up (new spark plugs! yeah!) and new brakes, rotors, and hardware.

This is straining on anyone, especially when you're living paycheck to paycheck as it is, as we are. (Which is another reason why I'm going to be launching the photography thing with fervor.) Jake's car is going to need new tires soon and mine probably not long to follow. My car will be paid off this year, though, and then we'll have that money left over in the bank!

In the vein of money conversation, our monthly rent went up by $74. I hope that it forces and keeps away those who refuse to clean up after their dogs.

And one of the issues that we're running into here, too, is that some of our neighbors don't want to obey the law. Colorado says that you can smoke marijuana if you are 21+, but the apartment complex receives federal monies and, because of that, they say that you can't smoke it here. (I smell it enough times to know that that rule isn't being followed!)

School is going okay. I still have an A in the class. (It's so easy to get straight A's when you're taking just one class.) There have been a few weeks when I haven't posted on our discussion boards by the due dates -- a few times I forgot, once I didn't want to, and last night I was in and out of the bathroom so much that I didn't get a chance to between everything else. 

But, I'm still plugging along in that respect. I'm absolutely loving my class! I've enrolled for another one in the summer. We'll see how that goes -- summer is one of my busiest seasons at work, and this one will be even busier as my department is moving into a new building in mid-June. 

Thinking Ahead.

I'm already thinking ahead to next year.
About what I want to do and be. About what I want to change and improve from this year's version of myself.

I want to start a meditation practice. It will help, I think, to rediscover my center and increase my mindfulness. I'm going to set aside a space that's for meditation and use it for just that. Whether it's a pillow that I pull out from under the accent table near the sofa and have my meditation and focus objects on the table, or do something similar in my closet, I want to make sure that the space I have set aside has what I'll need and that it can be used easily and without distraction.

I am going to be doing more with my photography in the coming year, especially refining it, now that I have a name for the style of photography that I love doing. (Hop over to my photo blog for more information on that!)

I hope to start journalling again. A personal journal will supplement the meditative practice that I mentioned. It will help to get the gunk out of my head. I've added some stuff to my Amazon wish list to help out with this. I've also got plans and hopes to start another journal for the future -- something that came about after the election madness. (My previous post will elaborate a bit more, though I'm not going into a lot of detail here. My twitter account, however, is pervasively active in the pursuit of the idea that America elected the wrong person on November 8.)

I also am going to start eating primarily vegetarian again on January 1. The only times I won't is when we are at family gatherings and the host would have to inconvenience him or herself to provide me a non-meat meal. I've given myself a lot of hate about when I stopped being vegetarian. It was all out of convenience and that is reprehensible, so I'm fixing it.

I'm not going to hold myself to any sort of promise about this, but if I were to start writing fiction stories again (whether short stories or one of the novels I have had rolling in my head for years) I would love it.

I'm definitely going to continue trying to be the best human, wife, friend, coworker, and admin assistant that I can be. Those are always givens on my list.

I hope that my life will be filled with more changes and more improvements that just what I've listed here, but if not, I will be pretty satisfied. While these changes and improvements don't seem like much to folks outside of my life, they are pretty important to me.

♥

Thankstaking.

Today was a hard day for me.
There were lots of heavy things that I was carrying.

Yes, I know that it was Thanksgiving Day for my fellow Americans.
Yes, I did attend a Thanksgiving meal put on by my in-laws.

It was still a very heavy day.

My heart was laden with recent events that have occurred in this country.
The election & watching my countrymen allow a bigot to become our leader and world representative. (The impact of this was exponentially increased by me finding out last night that one of the people in attendance at today's lunch wanted said bigot to become president - because of the party he was running in and the values associated with said party... Um...don't get me started.)
Everything that has happened and is happening at Standing Rock.
The anniversary of the deaths of Jordan Davis and Tamir Rice the same week that James Means was killed.
Reconciling the Native American blood in my veins against the holiday itself - one that is introduced to children as a happy time when natives and pilgrims shared a meal. This particular aspect of the holiday was exponentially increased by the goings-on at Standing Rock.

But, I went to a lunch with my heavy heart.
I went with my camera -- it was my security blanket and gave me something to do in the silences. It helped ease my anxiety and allowed me to flit from room to room without looking lonely or lost.
I went with the appreciation of what the day has become - a holiday in which we remember all of our blessings and the things that we have to be thankful for - a phoenix rising from the ashes of genocide and misinformed histories.
I went with my husband, knowing that those in attendance would be people who love and support me. (The Republican presidential nominee supporter got lots of side-eye...I'm not sure that anyone who wanted that man in office could love me...)
I went with the wonderful challah loaf that I had to smell him baking last night.
I went and ate (probably) too much food. I went and drank my wine and coffee and ate the pie.

I am grateful to be home, and to be going to bed soon.
I hope next year it isn't too heavy.

Forgetful.

I cannot believe that I forgot to mention one other thing that I have wanted to be when I grow up!
It's so integral to my childhood, and even influenced some of the classes I took in college.

Writer.
When I was fourteen, I spent the better part of the summer writing a story that ended up being twenty pages long. I printed it out, glued the pages together, and it was something I was so proud of. It was full of love and romance. Before that, as a child, I'd never leave the house without a pen and a pad of paper to write things down on. Even now, I find things all the time that inspire me to include in the epic that I will one day write. (I have a Pinterest board and a tumblr site devoted to such inspirations.) A poem I wrote at the age of twelve made its way into a book. A friend of mine gifted me a set of nice pens and a notebook to use to write down my poems in. I took a junior-level poetry class when I was a freshman. I am seriously kicking myself that I didn't include writer in my first and original list, as integral to my life as writing has been. (And yes, I have seen myself as a published author many times, and I still do. I just lack the discipline to get stuff going.)

Also...
I left off another one.

Crafter.
I've had an Etsy site for a long time. My original intention was to sell handmade cards and bookmarks on there. Now it's evolved into also including photograph prints, felt crafts, and other handmade things. There's nothing for sale on there, currently. I've never had anything for sale on there. I'm not honestly sure what's stopping me. I think it's one of those things that I think I'll do when I have time, but I have yet to make the time. Also having made (and, let's be real, still making) things for my wedding and reception, I have lots of ideas of things to include for sale on my Etsy site. I still don't discount that I will do this someday. Maybe when I'm a stay at home mom. Maybe next summer. The way I  have envisioned it lately is selling as a husband-wife team with Jacob: he'd make things like his foam swords or bits of furniture, and I'd make my stuff, and we'd be a wonderful happy Etsy couple. Or maybe I'd keep Etsy for myself and we'd branch off into Scoutmob for our joint venture. I still don't discount it. Maybe I'll have to wait until we have my family's land for this dream to come to fruition. Jacob would be able to have a shop. I'd be able to have a crafting cottage (and a photo studio!) and we'd be set. The dream of crafter has never been a stand-alone job for me -- it's always been in conjunction with something else.

Oh well.

Who knows what else my brain will remind me of in the coming days that I've forgotten to include on this list, so I may be back. :)

An Ever-Growing List

Last week on Twitter, I posted this tweet

..and then I thought that it might be cool to walk down memory lane and post all of the things that I've ever wanted to be when I grow up.
It's an expansive and ever-growing list.
I'll try to keep it in chronological order, but I make no promises or guarantees that this is the order they occurred in. :)

Police officer.
The earliest recorded history of me indicating this was when I was four and the preschool I went to asked all the kids what they wanted to be. I'm not sure where this idea came from, but I find it interesting that similar careers have been featured later in life. (You'll see, later in the list.)

Teacher.
This has been a recurring career-dream of mine, starting when I was a child. Then, when it came time for me to declare a major for prospective universities, I put down "Secondary Education" and went off to pursue a degree so I could teach both high school English & history. My major became "Elementary Education" when I changed schools a year later. When classes started in August 2009 -- and my third attempt at getting a post-secondary degree, after taking five years off -- I decided that if I were to teach any audience, it would be college students. Even to this day, I know that teaching will somehow be a part of my life, even if it means just homeschooling my children. (I have a Pinterest board with ideas on either how to support my children's education in school or lessons / worksheets to teach them at home.)

Paleontologist / Archaeologist
When I was a kid, I wanted to discover dinosaurs and ancient life so much that I would go and start digging through dirt and brushing things away and looking at rocks of all different sizes, shapes, and patterns. In my youth, I wasn't sure of the difference between paleontology and archaeology, so my youthful brain often used one in place of the other. The release of Jurassic Park only served to fuel this desire -- and Indiana Jones was another movie I'd watch with wide eyes, wanting so bad to be with Indy in the places he saw. Even now, as I'm majoring in anthropology, there is a piece of me that wants to go to Olduvai and assist with digs there, as well as other places around the world. (Some even as close as the southern part of Colorado!)

Geologist.
This was mostly just in line with my paleontology / archaeology dreams - I  knew that certain rocks meant certain things. A certain type of sediment meant that certain types of things might be found there. I was also obsessed with rocks when I was a kid. Like, truly. I'd go for walks and collect rocks. My mom, to this day, has a rock in her kitchen window to remind her of my childhood obsession. My parents even bought me a rock polisher for Christmas (or was it a birthday?) so I could see what was inside rocks.

Rock star.
This one mostly came about after I met and befriended some specific classmates in elementary school. (Most of whom I'm still friends with today.) They introduced me to the New Kids on the Block (oh oh oh-ho-ho, oh oh oh-ho) and we all started dreaming about being in a band. I'd play the keyboard (or, later, the drums) and occasionally back-up the other girls on the singing part. We also had a guitarist. This dream, thankfully, died long ago.

Youth pastor.
When I was in high school, this career choice became part of my "I'd like to be that" list and ceded only to teacher by the time graduation came around. (See, I figured, by graduation, that I'd become a teacher married to a youth pastor.) It was fueled by my renewed participation in church. I was even on my church's Bible Quiz team and became a youth leader in my church.

Chef / Caterer.
I took a foods and catering class during the last semester of my junior year, and I wanted to be a caterer. I'd be a chef that only catered events, and I'd have all of my own tables, table linens, chairs, and other rental equipment -- all personalized by color, of course. I even looked into attending Johnson & Wales University in Denver and fell in love with the campus during a class visit.

Actress.
Though the dream of being a rock star died, the dream of being in the spotlight didn't when I took a drama class in high school and became an understudy for the main part in a play. (I'm so glad that the main person didn't get sick or break her leg -- I never memorized the lines!)

Housewife.
This is another one of those recurring dream-careers. (And yes, I fully consider this to be a career!) I'd be a full-time, stay-at-home wife / mother who would take care of the house and kids and run most of the errands. When my children were old enough to go to school, I'd join a book club and help out at bake sales to keep myself occupied. This, honestly, is what I'd love to be above everything else on this list. I know that it probably won't happen, unless we win the lottery, but hey, a girl's gotta dream, right?

Someone in an office.
Commuting via public transit. Wearing business suits. Preparing that report that's due by 5. Hosting meetings. Running presentations. Getting things scheduled. Working late to meet deadlines. Bringing in coffees for the entire team. Yep -- I dreamed it. I kinda have it. (I don't have to wear business suits, I don't host meetings, and I'm not allowed to work late.)

Navy pilot / Navy chaplain.
After my first year of college, when I came back home that summer, I hooked up with the Navy. I did weekly PTs with them. I womaned their booth at the Greeley Stampede. I read over the STA-21 manual. I was memorizing the Sailors Creed and the 11 General Orders of A Sentry. I got down to needing to lose just fifteen more pounds before I'd be allowed to go to Basic. My plan was to finish my degree, lose those fifteen pounds, and go to Basic as an E-3 (Petty Officer Third Class). At first, I wanted to be a pilot, but my eyesight is bad and so I changed my interest to being a Chaplain. (I could use my then-declared degree of psychology and my aforementioned desire of being a youth pastor.) A few years later, I reached out to the Navy to find out more information about it because I thought about pursuing the USN again, but my thyroid condition had been diagnosed by that point, and the only way they'd take me, the recruiter said, was if I was cleared by a doctor as to no longer needing the medication. So that was out.

Wanderer.
Just leave with a backpack full of things and all the cash I had / have / saved up, and go. I'd work my way from place to place, making enough to pay for a cheap flat and food while saving the rest, only staying between six months to three years in one place. I'd get to see the world (or at least just Europe) that way.

Forensic psychologist.
Look at a crime and tell local authorities the characteristics of the person who committed it. Spend my time interviewing and therapizing criminals. Yep. I wanted to do it!

Crime scene investigator.
Combine my love of science, my love of solving puzzles, and my love of wanting to help people, and you get this perfect career!

An FBI agent.
Basically, see the last two, but on a national level.

A spy.
Seriously - travel the world, sneak into places, and risk my life for national secrets. What kid hasn't wanted to be a spy at some point in their lives?

Photographer.
One of the more recent additions to the list, this one is also a recurring dream. While I do, at the moment, take photographs (and, recently, videos) on the weekends, I frequently find myself wanting to do it full time. Have a crew of cameras at my disposal, a wardrobe for clients to dress in that Sue Bryce would envy, a wonderful studio space with TONS of natural lighting, backgrounds upon backgrounds to choose from, any prop that anyone could want...yes, please, can I have this? There's a huge part of me that would love to also photograph landscapes, and why can't I do both? On a trip to Colorado's eastern plains last year, I was struck by the openness of the land and the weather that met me on that summer's day. I wanted, so badly, to become someone who just photographed weather. Like uproot myself for three months out of the year and just go and photograph weather phenomena.

Cultural anthropologist.
I'm ready to combine my desire of being a wanderer with my love of culture and language. I'm ready to go live in a place for a while, earn the trust of the natives of that place, and learn as much as I can about that place and its people. This can be anywhere from the farming communities in eastern Colorado to the rain forests of Subsaharan Africa.

Event planner.
The most recent career-dream of mine is to be an event planner. I'd plan everything: children's parties, bridal showers, engagements, weddings, retirement parties, funerals. Flowers, linens, invitations, bar menus, themes, favors, items to add to registries...man, I'd do it all. I would become a personal party assistant to people, going to places like Pier 1 and buying a terrarium that would work as a card box for my quirky bride whose theme just fits so perfectly with that. Yes, please! I'm ready to start now. Oh wait -- I need an office. And a warehouse to store all of my wonderful party supplies. And a financier to supply everything. (Start up costs are a bitch.)

Well there you go!

That's most of everything that I've wanted to be when I grow up. (I'm sure I'm forgetting a thing or several.)
There are several of those things on the list that I still want to be when I grow up.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Unpacking.

It's been a while since I've gone deep, and the surface-level posts that I have shared have left a gaping hole where the truth wants to come out.
So, consider yourself warned: this post will start out superficial, and then go deep.
Feel free to leave now if you so choose. :)

I've been finding and falling in love with new music lately. A lot of what has caught my ear has been acoustic, but there has been some alt-rock stuff, too. My love and use of Spotify has helped with that. I have built extensive lists of music for our upcoming wedding, since I need to have three different playlists, and it's been a wonderful resource for finding new artists and music.

My brain has continued thinking about the event-planning course of action that was mentioned a few posts ago. I'm not eliminating it from my list of possibilities -- so much so that I've actually changed the name of my photography business to go along with it remaining as a possibility. That means that I've had to redesign my business logo, and I'm creating a new website to go along with it. (I'll get into that elsewhere, so I'm not going to do that here.)

I have applied for another position on campus, much to my own bittersweetness.
I love my work family. I would miss them, my regular interaction with the students, and the familiarity with what I do there. The thought of starting something new is a bit frightening -- especially since I'm not unhappy where I am.
I think I'm just feeling an overall sense of overwhelm where I am. I'm expected to be a receptionist at a busy front desk AND an administrative assistant without any chance of staying late, coming in early, or working on the weekends. One or the other or a manageable mix of both, but don't give me one-and-three-fourths full-time assignments and expect it to be all done in the time of one without allowing for some leeway and comp time. (FLSA is kicking my butt.)
The position for which I applied is a different classification, meaning that I can work more than forty hours as necessary as the duties dictate. (Something that I would consider a boon in my current position, especially during the months of July and August when so much is happening administratively!) I also wouldn't mind the chance to just do the administrative piece for a while, and step out of the customer-service-centered role (since every job I've ever had has been heavily customer-service oriented). From what I've seen in my three years of experience, it's also a rare thing for administrative assistants to have a chance to move up or advance at the university. The position is for more money than I currently make, too, which is another boon. 

It's been months since I've paid my bills in full.
At the time of writing this, I am currently behind on both credit cards, both student loans, and my phone bill. I think I also still have yet to pay the gas and electric bills for this month. We have a place to live, food to eat, a fed and happy pup, and cars to drive, so I don't feel like a complete failure. 
I hate collection phone calls. I've gotten to the point that I don't even answer the phone unless it's someone I know. Granted, they're probably willing and able to help me figure out a payment plan, but I can't just do that when I'm driving home. I also don't like answering the phone when I'm at work -- which is the case a lot of the time when they call. I hate collection mail. I'm grateful that it only comes for the bills that I get electronically, but I don't like seeing the red PAST DUE stamped across the front. I know and understand that it's that psychology that makes people want to take action and remedy the situation, which is precisely why companies use the PAST DUE as they do. And it's not that I don't want to pay the bills -- I desperately, so desperately -- want to. We've just had a lot of expensive, unexpected events happen since we've moved in, and we haven't been able to really keep our heads above water. 
We are just another sad American statistic about being one of the commonly-found households that couldn't financially survive a fiscally-catastrophic event. We have no savings. We have nothing liquid that would support us if one of us got laid off or injured and unable to work. We're living in an apartment that neither of us could even afford on our own. Combined, we don't even make the median household income of the city we live in, but we make too much to qualify for aid. (How does that work?)

Because of all this work and financial stress, I've been neglecting myself.
I just started a skincare routine again last week. (After not sticking to one for a month because my TimeWise cleanser from MaryKay ran out, and, in the face of all the financial stuff going on, I didn't feel like spending $20 on my face.) I'm using Aveeno Absolutely Ageless cleanser, and I had to give it a few days to know what to truly expect, but I like it. I still have lots of my other TimeWise accouterments, including the moisturizer and the day and night creams, so I have been supplementing the Aveeno cleanser with those, and they all seem to play nicely together. (Since allegations came out earlier this year about MaryKay and animal testing, I will not be replacing my current supply once it's gone and will probably transition to the complete line of Absolutely Ageless for my facial skincare needs.)
I have not been eating right or exercising, and my weight is nearly back up to where it was when I started the weight loss program that I've been doing. I figured that the weddings I shot last month counted as my exercise for the day, but then it became super-busy at work AND I had to cull and compress the images for client proofing, so I was (a) exhausted and (b) sitting a lot more when I got home. Of course, being tired prevented us from cooking at home more (a goal I've had for a long time) and choices were not always health ones. My body can tell that we haven't been active -- my legs hurt and my back is stiff.
Add in a nice batch of guilt for feeling like I should be doing some housework or working on some of our remaining wedding crafts when I have "free time" (like even now, for an example) and there's a nice big batch of "yep, that thirty-minute cardio and subsequent twenty-minute shower is not going to happen." All of this has also increased my stress-eating, something I didn't even really recognize was as pervasive in myself as it is until about four months ago. (So there have been quite a few trips to the vending machine at the end of the hallway for chocolate.)

I want to say that I'll get better now that this is all of my chest. That I'll start exercising twice a day, every day (which is what I need to do to feel like I did everything I could to get healthy come November 5) and that I'll suddenly get a grip on my finances and my time-management so I'll be able to do everything and the Renaissance woman I idealize myself being in my head. My apartment will always be immaculate and my refrigerator will always be full of prepped meals ready to go for the next two days. I will always have weight-loss shakes for breakfast, salads for lunch, and fruits for snacks.

For those who may not know, I've been on antidepressants for over a year. It's led me to feeling like a robot, time and time again.
While I don't feel the negative emotions as strongly as I once did, I also don't feel positive emotions much at all. My current "happy" or "content" is what was once a solid line in the middle of my emotional graph. It's like I don't feel anything unless it's a negative emotion or a primal one (fear).
I've also been seeing a therapist regularly over the last year. He's helping me deal with my anxiety, sense of low-worth, depression, and suicidality. He's trying to change the way that I talk to myself -- using caring, compassionate language instead of language that isn't very nice or loving. There are a lot of things that we need to unpack, because there are a lot of things I've been carrying for far too long. And some of those things that I've been carrying have morphed into something else and ingratiated themselves into my life in ways that are twisted and Stockholmsian, so we really have our work cut out for us.
I know things will get better.
They have to, right?

Three Month Updates (Again)

The semester has finally ended.
We are now working into summer.

Hooray!

The talk around the office these days is all about getting things ready for the move into the new building, which will finally combine all of my organization into one building. (Currently, my department is across the street from the majority of our organization.)
I have my own set of tasks for this process: scanning old documents since we won't have a basement full of filing cabinets, making sure our current forms are in our online document management system, and participating in the paper purge (happening July 19).
This in addition to preparing for a site visit from our accreditation agency, meaning I have to make sure the last six years of evaluations are up to date and all accounted for and prepare a new spreadsheet for use with all evaluations going forward.
...plus, I have my usual summer tasks of preparing to welcome our new training staff, including stuffing a whole bunch of binders with information that they'll need in their first three weeks of on-boarding with us.

I am finally seeing results from my weight loss program! I took about three weeks off and didn't do anything for it: no exercise, no tracking, nothing.
I got back on the wagon and started with Cardio 2 a few weeks ago. I've noticed a difference in the way my clothes fit. (And I'm finally down below 280 lbs!) I'm excited to see where this momentum takes me.

One of the recurring parts of my job is planning and coordinating many events, like welcoming new trainees and then saying goodbye to them. Someone asked if I'd ever considered being an event planner, and I hadn't really. Years ago (we're talking high school), when I wanted to own my own catering business, I guess it was partially event-oriented, as I would supply the food AND the linens, chairs, tables, etc. But, since that coworker asked me about it last month, I will admit that I have regularly thought about pursuing that path.
Even at the wedding that I just photographed this weekend, I was thinking about it.
When Jake and I were at Barnes and Noble, I thought about it. (I even selected magazines to look at that were event-oriented.)
I think it would be amazing to help people plan events, and to take over when they are lacking in ideas. (Thanks to my mama's encouragement and examples growing up, I am able to look at something and see it a million different ways than just the way it was intended to be used.)
Who knows where this newfound desire will take me.
I've thought about asking Jake's cousin if I could shadow her when she does an event. (She does them all the time for her church, and, actually, she's coordinating my wedding, so...)

Ugh. Wedding.
Things are happening. Things are being planned. Crafts are being made. That's about it. :)
(I'll properly update the wedding blog at some point soon, but for now, that's all I got.)

Here's to hoping I update more regularly in the coming weeks! :)

Day 151

Yesterday marked my 150th day in this apartment. By the calendar, Thursday will be my fifth month here. Crazy.

What have I learned in the last five months?
A lot, and not very much, all at the same time.
I have learned that time management skills won't develop any easier if it's just you or if you have five other people around you -- it's something that I think parents should start working on early with their kids.
I have learned that I don't appreciate the mundane as much when I'm by myself. That sunrise? Yeah, it's beautiful, but if I had someone to share it with, it would increase in significance to me.
I have learned that I get lonely. The one friend I had living in this town when I moved over here has since taken on a new position and left a vacancy at the university. Her new-found busyness also means that we don't have time to connect after work. (Our food blog has even been put on hold because of it.) The bar scene isn't for me, so meeting new people is out. Basically, I talk to coworkers and clients at work, then come home and spend time with my dog. I don't have a social base or a social life. That's great, in that there's nothing wrong with it, but it is also very isolating. (I accept and recognize that I have social anxiety, so it is partially related to that.)
This one doesn't have anything to do with the apartment or my independence, but it is something I've learned: my numbers. My current weight, my BMI, my waist circumference. They were all there, at the periphery of my knowledge -- estimates, really -- but they had not been concrete... Until I signed up for the Mindful Eating Class offered by the nutrition center on campus. (I'll be vulnerable and honest here: I'm not sure I'll fare very well.)
I have learned that I am not easily defined. Sure, I've struggled for years with writing those small, character-limited "About Me" sections, but here, on my own, just how many lines are blurred is only starting to become clear. For example, I've been a card-maker for years, but so many other crafty projects appeal to me. When Jake & I were cohabitating a few years ago, I tried my hand at making cakes from scratch, but that fell away when I moved back in with parents whose oven wasn't working. I guess you could say I'm a true Gemini in that my interests are varied and I'd like to dabble in a lot -- to see "who I really am." But even when I completely nail down who I am, I know that could change the next day/week/month. I am a changing creature, a chameleon. I go with intuitive whims and ideas. So, I've chosen to define myself by the unchanging things: my principles. The rest is noise.
I have learned that I can do it by myself. Yep, that's right: the cooking, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, caring for the dog...that's all me. I complain about cleaning (I hate doing dishes, y'all) but I love the outcome -- so I do it. And who pays my bills? Oh yeah, that's right: me. Gas, dishes, dog food, rent...that's all me. Sure, I take my laundry to my parents' house when I get a chance -- but there are some who get a lot more free than just a $5/wk laundry credit. There are only a handful of people that I know, personally and professionally, that can say that they have been independent for an extended period in their lives -- getting no financial assistance from anyone, in any way. I have a car loan, yes -- that I'm paying back. I have student loans, yes -- that I'm paying back. I have a credit card, yes -- that I'm paying back. There is no running to mom or dad asking to borrow money for the rent this month because things got out of hand; there is no one else. If I can't do it, I fail. I haven't failed yet.
I have learned that people will judge what they do not understand. Truthfully, this is something I've known for a long time, but it has become apparent that they will judge EVERYTHING that they do not understand. If I complain about my neighborhood or apartment in any way, people roll their eyes and say, "Well, that's what you get for moving there." Um, my city has a high rent-rate: I'm paying $785 for 400 square feet. That's not as high as some areas of the US, but I could get a two bedroom, one bath, with washer-dryer hookups in the city I was commuting from for the same as this apartment (that has a kitchen the size of some apartments' walk-in closets....36 sq ft). This starter apartment is great for getting some renter's history under my belt as well as serving the needs I have right now.
I have learned that I will always be learning things: knowledge that I, again, brought with me to this apartment.

Another List of Random Stuff

• I love cross-overs. My heart is currently set on someday owning one of two: a Subaru CrossTrek or a Nissan Rogue. 
• I love rice noodles, curry, chocolate, pineapple, and shrimp. No, not together. (Though I might be willing to try it...) #NotAVegetarianYet
• My favorite pastas include: campanelle, farfalle, orzo, and orechiette.
• Washing dishes by hand is a love-hate activity for me.
• I need three different calendars: one for the month, one for the week, and one for the day. (I have two different versions of the weekly calendar: one for the overview, with days, and one that is listed out by day.) And yes, I do use them all. #TypeAFreak
• Part of me wants to get in there and decorate this apartment, and part of me thinks, "Hey, I only have 7 months before Jake and I move in together, so what's the point of getting this one all set up?" #StarterApartment