Status Update: 32

I keep waiting for my existential crisis.

32 is here, and it once again came without wailing and gnashing.

I had a minor freakout when I noticed 30 was approaching, but not because it was 30. It was because I was childless and 30. (I had always set a goal for myself to have a child by the time I was 30. My mom had me when she was 29 and I remember being so afraid that she wouldn't be around to see certain milestones.) Here it is, two years beyond. I'm still childless, and I'm no longer freaking out. I'm good with it for now. It will happen when and if it is meant to.

There are several people that I know (and probably millions more that I don't know) who think they have to have things accomplished by a certain point.
I find that, for me, limiting.
If I'm supposed to have my career figured out by 25, number one I'm late coming into the game, and number two I have so many questions. What if I get into something and I'm not happy? What if I find something I'm passionate about at the age of 50?
I like to keep my doors open. Or, I like to open the doors myself and when I'm ready.
Of course, there are some doors that will open whether you are ready for them or not. The trick is to not look too surprised.
There will be other doors that you will shut and then nail boards between the jambs with some dire warning painted across them. Sometimes the ghoul beyond will find its way out. If it does, just hunker down and prepare to fight. That just means that you weren't meant to be done with it.

That isn't to say that the folks who hold themselves to those age-based standards are wrong or silly or whatnot. It just means that they are holding themselves to different (and some might say more anxiety-producing) standards than I am. And that's fine. I'm just trying to go with the flow. And that's fine, too.

These are the things I've learned in my 31 years of living.

I can't wait to see what I learn in this 32nd.

A relevant song:

Thoughts on the New Year + A Cleansing Ritual

Yesterday my thoughts were full of the traditions that we associate with New Year's Day.

Resolutions.
Special meals.

Rituals.

Celebrations.

I thought about how strange it was that we associate the turning of a calendar with making changes. Why is it that we associate change with the starting of new years but not the starting of new months or weeks? Why not days?

My husband's family eats Hoppin' John every New Year's Day as a way to ensure good luck throughout the year. But does it ever really affect change? (Will we ever know? How could we know?)

As I was showering yesterday, I came up with a new tradition that I'd like to instill in my own life, and one that I think is important for everyone to consider adopting into their own lives.

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The First Shower (An exercise in intention, self-love, and acceptance)
The first shower you take in the new year -- be it after you get home from the party, or when you wake up in the morning, or after your first workout...whenever, really -- should be set with intentions.

I'm listing this in the order that my showers go (hair, face, body) but you can change the steps to fit your shower. This isn't so much a way of changing your shower routine as it is adding an extra step of love to your first shower of any year. You don't want to bring any more baggage from last year with you than necessary. The only thing I might suggest is using a clean towel so as to not undo the intentions you set in your shower by using a towel that the negatively-charged body experienced.

As you get your body acclimated to the water temperature, also get your mind acclimated to a new way of thinking. This is what sets the tone for the rest of your shower.

Let the water run over your head (frontways or backways) and onto your skin. This symbolizes that the thoughts that you are about to think during your shower will flow from your head to the rest of your body, as fluidly and completely as the water does.

Wash your hair as you normally would -- don't change the routine. Think of the negative things you thought about your hair the previous year (too short, too long, the wrong color, too staticky, too much gray, too curly, etc.) and visualize those negative thoughts washing away in the water as you rinse the shampoo out. If you use a separate conditioner, then you can repeat the process if you'd like to.

If you wash your face in the shower (I do), wash it as you always do. As you apply the cleanser or scrub, think about all the things that you thought about your face: E.G., too many wrinkles here at the side of my eyes, too many breakouts along my chin, too many blackheads on my nose, too much plucking always needs done frequently here between my eyebrows, etc. Wash those away in the water when you rinse.

As you wash your body in the shower, do something similar with each area as you cleanse it: I.E. areas that you thought were too big, had too much cellulite, weren't big enough, caused you pain and made you hate them, etc.

Dry off as usual. (See my note about the towel from earlier. Makes more sense now, right?)

If you apply lotion or moisturizers, think about the positive things that you think about each area of your body as you apply it. (These are just examples. Use something that works for you and that applies to your life, and feel free to say as much thanks as you want for each area. I've only listed a few, but you could go on and on.)
"Thank you, face, for greeting the world for me each day."
"Thank you, eyes, for lighting up when I'm excited."
(If you are visually-abled, you could say, "Thank you, eyes, for letting me see the beauty of this world / my children's faces / the sunset / [something specific that applies to your life]."
"Thank you, knees, for letting me use you to rest things on." (If you are temporarily mobility-abled, you could say, "Thank you, knees, for climbing the stairs to my apartment / for taking me through the aisles of the grocery store.")
"Thank you, hands, for allowing me to feel the softness of my dog's fur / the warmth of my coffee cup each morning / the comfort of my partner's hand."
Do this for each area that you apply lotion or moisturizer to.

Click here to print this ritual out.

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So what do you think? Is it something you want to incorporate into your life?
And if so, are you going to do it as each year changes, as the calendar months flip, or as each day starts? 

Happy 2015!

So, here we are: 2015. Thirty years after my birth. How is that possible? When did we get here? It feels like just yesterday was 2014. :)

The ho-ho-holidays went off in a bit of a different fashion this year. I spent the remaining $30 I had on apple butter supplies and gift wrap. I didn't have traditional tape, so I used my double-sided crafting adhesive as tape. 

I made cookies for my gran and my dad this year, and after divvying them up in Ziploc bags, I took the remaining cookies to work at 4pm on 12-23. Thankfully, my coworkers were more than willing to take the extras off my hands -- it felt good leaving with zero leftovers. Christmas Eve morning I woke up and finished the apple butter. (I love my hand blender -- it got the thickened, still-chunky butter nice and smooth.) Then I packed up and drove to my parents' house and passed a few hours until it was time to join my boyfriend's family for festivities.

It was great to see everyone, and the charcuterie that we had for dinner was amazing. (Smoked Texan Cheddar cheese? OMG, yes please! And his aunt brought little sweet peppers that were to die for.) Everyone loved their gifts -- it was nice actually having ideas from people! And Jake finished his handmade gifts: an amazing hand carved, mixed-media saint for his parents and a set of bookends for his aunt.

I know I posted a couple of entries ago that I wasn't going to do store-bought gifts for folks.
Yes, that was the dream and goal. The reality was a bit harsher. (And, honestly, Jake purchased most of the gifts that were purchased; I only purchased four. I made the apple butter for everyone and cookies for gran and dad, and he made the gifts for his parents and his aunt.) We're getting better on the handmade bit. Maybe next year. (We also decided to save the hand scrubs for gifts throughout the year.)
And honestly it does make a difference when someone gives you ideas. ("I'd really love to have a shower radio!" gives you some idea in which to narrow down your field. "I don't know" doesn't narrow down anything, so EVERYTHING is a both a possibility and a non-possibility.) In the cases of my dad and gran, it was a question of, "What would they appreciate and actually USE?" 

My favorite gift is actually a mug made personal by one of the student-workers at the office. It's incredible! My second favorite is the necklace that Jake gave me. (He made it personal by adding a phrase in Dothraki on the card.) The rest were so great, too -- it was hard to choose a favorite. Jake and I got couples gifts in the form of gift cards for when we move in together: Bed, Bath & Beyond and Target. Come on, cohabitation! :)

The next day we had lunch with gran and my parents. Everyone liked their gifts. Except dad. But he always wants filet mignon. I got a waffle iron from my parents -- but I got that about a month early. (One of the joys of knowing the "truth" about Santa.) I've been using it to make waffled breakfast quesadillas. I look forward to expanding my waffle-iron repertoire.

Another gift was a pasta maker from my supervisor, so I'll be spending some time in the coming months making homemade pasta as well. :)

Today, I purchased a fitness tracker for myself. It'll really help me focus on my weight loss and fitness goals that I started in October. (Since February of last year, I've lost 15 pounds. Just thought I'd throw that out there.) Sure, my phone will track my steps, but sometimes I don't wear pants with pockets (and I hate that bulky holster that came with my Otterbox) and sometimes I forget my phone when I walk somewhere. 

Today is also the start of my complete vegetarianism.
I'll only eat meat if I knew it was consciously raised (applicable at family functions) and if I'm buying it myself, it will come from a local source -- not a commercial farm. 

This should cut down on the fast food dining and general restaurant dining. (Thank God for online menus, so I can see if there are vegetarian options beyond "salad".) There are a few restaurants here in Fort Collins that are vegetarian or very vegetarian friendly -- lifesavers. 

I didn't really make any resolutions this year. 

I also didn't really spend a lot of time thinking about Christmas or getting ready for it. It just came, happened, and felt very matter-of-fact.
I wasn't the only one who was bah-humbug this year, either: several ladies at work expressed the same sentiment. It's very strange. 

Well, here's hoping that your New Year has started off great and that 2015 only gets better as it goes on! 

Food, Babies, and Christmas **UPDATED**

How many of you thought that said "food babies"? I did when I re-read it! Ha! :)

After four weeks in my Mindful Eating Class, I am constantly thinking about food. Honestly, I was doing so before the class started, when I began hoarding vegetarian recipes (something I'm still doing, let's be honest), but now I'm thinking in terms of balancing whole grains, fats, and proteins. I have measured out my yogurt and various fruits this week, which is a little weird to say so matter-of-factly. I say, "Hmm, for breakfast, should I have Chex with milk, or should I have a fruit, yogurt, and granola parfait? Which would provide more nutrition for me today, based on what I plan on eating throughout the day?"

So how goes the vegetarian thing? Great! Most days I eat at least two meals containing zero meat. (Aided by the purchase of a fantastic vegetarian cookbook for $3.99 at Tradesmart a few weeks ago.) There are lots of beans and chickpeas in my diet right now. I've recently fallen in love with butternut squash, though the peeling bit is a pain in the ass. I just bought my first package of tofu. I do, however, still have meat in my food supply. My boyfriend is visiting this weekend, and I took out the final package of pork chops out to thaw. That leaves some salad shrimp, some chicken strips, some ground turkey, and maybe one or two other things in my freezer. But that's it. I can knock those out pretty quickly, and then be full-on veg.

If I am full-on veg by the time Thanksgiving and/or Christmas rolls around, I'll bring my own main dish to family meals. That way, no one has to make any special accommodations for me. I wouldn't want them to.

Thanksgiving and Christmas: things that make people think of family, which brings me to my next topic today: babies. ("Struggling for a segue way?" you ask. Always!)
One of the counselors at work delivered her twins on Tuesday. Luca and Laney -- awesome names! One of my friends is celebrating her daughter's seventh birthday later this month and then a second birthday for her youngest daughter in December. In February, another friend's son will turn two, and she and her husband are actively trying to conceive a second child. Two of our accounting ladies are in various stages of coming back from maternity leave. There are babies everywhere.

I am still undecided if I want to have children of my own or not. My boyfriend and I have talked about adoption, and all portends indicate that we are both on board with that. I don't know why I'm so undecided about bearing children. Maybe the fact that I've been able to have children for two out of my three decades, and I feel that I'm running out of time / quality eggs? That definitely plays a part in it. Plus, hearing about all the complications and stuff that can happen to women and the babies doesn't sway me in the direction of "Yes, I want to!" The direction we're leaning right now is to get our lives in a state where we'd be comfortable bringing children into, opening our home and hearts to adoptive children, and if we have children of our own genes, then so be it.

I definitely want to have my children foster a love of learning. (Honestly, what parent doesn't want that for their children?) In days past, I wanted to be a teacher. There's a small part of me that still wants that. No matter what happens, I want to get my kids on the path of learning early. (Shoot, I was reading third-grade level books when I was in kindergarten! I want my kids to be that way, too.) I never want to school to feel like a chore for them. I mention this because I've been pinning a lot of educational stuff to my Parentage board on Pinterest, along with a bunch of other stuff that I want to remember when I'm a parent. I'm torn if I want them to be homeschooled or if I want them to go to public school. (Honestly, that will all depend on where we live when we have children and what our lives are like at that point.) I'm sure this sounds pretty ridiculous to some readers -- talking and planning for things that haven't happened yet -- but I'm the kind of person whose visions of the future need some sort of outlet, and Pinterest is it for me.  :)

Of course, that could all change as time goes on. But that's the beauty of life: you can always change your game plan as necessary. I wish that concept was something that more people had peace with.

Ah, peace. The season of peace is soon to be here, y'all: Christmas. (I know, I was struggling for a segue way again. At least we made it back around to Christmas. I could change the title around, to make it easier and allow me to introduce the Christmas thing back when I was talking about vegetarianism at family holidays, but then I wouldn't have the title that may allow someone to read "food babies and Christmas." Yes, this is my thought pattern. Welcome to my life. Feel free to stop reading now if you find my life annoying.)

This year, despite both my partner and I having jobs, most of the gifts we give will be homemade. I'll give the traditional apple butter, yes, and I've been thinking of expanding into other fruit and cucurbita butters. There will be other gifts in the ensemble and they will also be practical, usable, homemade gifts. This can be attributed to my more-completely manifested hippie-dom or the fact that most of the people we'll be buying gifts for are able to get themselves the gadgets and e-goodies that they want. We'll be giving them pieces of ourselves and our time -- more valuable than any Blu-Ray! I think that most of where the homemade motivation comes from is that what people really need is not the latest e-gadget, which will be used and ultimately discarded, but something thoughtful. Something that someone took time out of their lives to think about, plan out, and create. (Ok, that feeds into my hippie-dom.) A lot of it, too, is that I enjoy making stuff for people. I'll be doing my traditional Christmas cards, but that never feels like enough. Like, "Here's this card I made for you alongside this bright and shiny boxed-and-styrofoamed thing that I found on a shelf in the store." I much prefer the idea of "Here's this card I made for you, and this jar of fruit butter I made for your weekend gipfeli, and this other thing I made for you when you do that thing you love doing, and this other thing I made for you..." Doesn't that sound so much better??

I just know that if I were mostly giving commercially-produced gifts this year, I would regret it. If the people who are gifting to me would feel the same way (or do feel the same way, should any of them be reading this) I wouldn't want them to do something they'd regret. (That goes for ever, not just in gift-giving.)