Expectations

What is it with expectations in this society?
As a student of anthropology, I am convinced it's a part of our culture.
That being said, some of our expectations are messed up.

We hold that certain life events should happen at certain times, E.G.: start kindergarten at age 5, start driving at age 16, graduate college at age 21, be married and start to have children by 30, retire at 65, etc.

What about those who didn't start driving until later in life, like in their 20's? Or those who want a college degree, and have started taking credits, but still haven't graduated by the time they are 35?
Or those like me, who haven't had children by 30 and got married after 30?

I think that having expectations to live a certain way and have boxes that they are always working to check off causes a lot of undue and unnecessary pressure for people in modern American society. The interconnectedness of our social-media-driven world certainly doesn't help -- we can always see what the Joneses (or, to my younger millennials, the Kardashians) are up to, and we feel inadequate in some way if we are not as successful as those that we see elsewhere.

Worst of all, there aren't many messages out there that say that we are perfectly fine NOT fitting into those molds and following those recommended ages for things. The number of messages is growing, but the prevalence and persistence of the opposition are so deeply ingrained that many of us keep hearing a voice inside our heads criticizing ourselves for not getting x, y, and/or z crossed off by a certain age.

Articles that say things like "31 things women over 30 shouldn't wear" or "If you're a woman over 30, you need to stop saying these things" are being churned out so fast and popping up all over social media automatically as they are published (including Pinterest!) and then summarily consumed by people who are accustomed to being told "this is what you're doing by this age" so it's not questioned.

My life hasn't followed any sort of expected path.
Well, lately it hasn't.
I went to kindergarten when I was 5. I finished high school in four years, during which I learned to drive, held my first job, and had my first romantic relationship. (Lettering in academics was not something "expected" of most youths, though it was in my house, and, of course, "good little Becca" didn't let her parents down in that respect.) Right after graduating high school, I went to a four-year institution.
It was then that things got messed up. :)

I didn't get a degree from that institution. In fact, 14 years later I still don't have more than an Associate's Degree, and that I earned five years ago. I dated my now-husband ten years before we got married, and our nuptials were exchanged last November when I was 31 and he was 33. The only child we have is a furbaby. I've had a car repossessed. We live paycheck to paycheck. We rent an apartment and have zero savings.
We are not the poster-children of the ideal American life.

My husband didn't even get his driver's license until he was 23 -- after I taught him how to drive.

But here's something that we have going for us: we are learning to say "fuck 'em" in regards to the people who are apt to speak up and say, "You're over thirty! You should/shouldn't be..."

I have done a lot of self-work on learning to accept that I'm okay and my life isn't a complete even though I'm not living according to what society wants or expects of us.

I've also done a lot of work with learning to not throw in the towel when things aren't perfect, or to accept that I don't have to stress myself out to ensure that everything is perfect.

I'd like to say that I broke free of all this nonsense.

I haven't.
I still have anxiety over worrying that people expect me to always get everything perfect or if they will perceive me negatively. (Some of that has to do with their implicit bias toward overweight, white-perceived women, or my perceptions of what their implicit biases probably are.)

So if you are one of the people who are affected by the stupid, inane expectations that our culture holds, please know that you ARE NOT held to them -- you are doing the best you can. I promise.
If you aren't happy with what/how you're doing, then seek help on changing things up -- but only if it's what YOU want. Don't do it for your mom/husband/neighbor/boss. Change for you and only for you. All that said, you should change only if you want to. If the expectations held FOR you are the same ones that you hold for yourself, then you're good.

There's more I could say on this.
Like how it's women that are mostly affected by this. (Or at least that it's more socially acceptable for women to be held to these expectations. We have expectations about our expectations.)
And how these expectations spill over into what we eat and how we dress.

I'll save those for a later post. This one's already long enough.

Status Update: 32

I keep waiting for my existential crisis.

32 is here, and it once again came without wailing and gnashing.

I had a minor freakout when I noticed 30 was approaching, but not because it was 30. It was because I was childless and 30. (I had always set a goal for myself to have a child by the time I was 30. My mom had me when she was 29 and I remember being so afraid that she wouldn't be around to see certain milestones.) Here it is, two years beyond. I'm still childless, and I'm no longer freaking out. I'm good with it for now. It will happen when and if it is meant to.

There are several people that I know (and probably millions more that I don't know) who think they have to have things accomplished by a certain point.
I find that, for me, limiting.
If I'm supposed to have my career figured out by 25, number one I'm late coming into the game, and number two I have so many questions. What if I get into something and I'm not happy? What if I find something I'm passionate about at the age of 50?
I like to keep my doors open. Or, I like to open the doors myself and when I'm ready.
Of course, there are some doors that will open whether you are ready for them or not. The trick is to not look too surprised.
There will be other doors that you will shut and then nail boards between the jambs with some dire warning painted across them. Sometimes the ghoul beyond will find its way out. If it does, just hunker down and prepare to fight. That just means that you weren't meant to be done with it.

That isn't to say that the folks who hold themselves to those age-based standards are wrong or silly or whatnot. It just means that they are holding themselves to different (and some might say more anxiety-producing) standards than I am. And that's fine. I'm just trying to go with the flow. And that's fine, too.

These are the things I've learned in my 31 years of living.

I can't wait to see what I learn in this 32nd.

A relevant song:

Things.

Photography Things

In November, I registered my business as a trade name and set myself up as an SP (sole proprietorship).
When we get our taxes back, I am taking it even further: registering a domain, setting up my dotcom, opening a business checking account, rearranging myself from an SP to an LLC, and a bunch of other business things. I'm not letting it go this time. I'm trying to get the documentary session thing set up, I have a bunch of marketing stuff up my sleeve, and I'm super passionate about it. (I have been, but I'm not in a whirlwind of my own shit right now, so I can actually keep the enthusiasm where it needs to be.)

Other Work Things

My supervisor is hella impressed with the things that I've been doing (I'm doing so much more work than what was laid out in my job description) so she put in for a promotion. We did the work of rewriting my job description and essential duties and figuring out what percentage of time I did what. Then it was off to HR for approval.
The promotion didn't go through.
My supervisor regrouped and formed a new plan: if they won't take a promotion, let's try for a raise. So, same story, different verse: we added a few more essential duties and reworded a few things (our department's HR representative didn't know what a cohort was -- she said it was too department-specific) and submitted a request for a large percentage raise. I just got word last night that it was approved, effective today. (So the raise should be noticeable with my next check!)
I am so grateful and ecstatic for it -- we could sure use the money!

Life Things
As I said, we could use the money.
We had to spend $734 on repairing my car last month. A tune up (new spark plugs! yeah!) and new brakes, rotors, and hardware.

This is straining on anyone, especially when you're living paycheck to paycheck as it is, as we are. (Which is another reason why I'm going to be launching the photography thing with fervor.) Jake's car is going to need new tires soon and mine probably not long to follow. My car will be paid off this year, though, and then we'll have that money left over in the bank!

In the vein of money conversation, our monthly rent went up by $74. I hope that it forces and keeps away those who refuse to clean up after their dogs.

And one of the issues that we're running into here, too, is that some of our neighbors don't want to obey the law. Colorado says that you can smoke marijuana if you are 21+, but the apartment complex receives federal monies and, because of that, they say that you can't smoke it here. (I smell it enough times to know that that rule isn't being followed!)

School is going okay. I still have an A in the class. (It's so easy to get straight A's when you're taking just one class.) There have been a few weeks when I haven't posted on our discussion boards by the due dates -- a few times I forgot, once I didn't want to, and last night I was in and out of the bathroom so much that I didn't get a chance to between everything else. 

But, I'm still plugging along in that respect. I'm absolutely loving my class! I've enrolled for another one in the summer. We'll see how that goes -- summer is one of my busiest seasons at work, and this one will be even busier as my department is moving into a new building in mid-June. 

Torn.

Ladies and gentlemen and occasional readers of my humble thoughtspill on the interwebs: I am torn.

I feel pulled in different directions, and I'm not sure where to go from here. I know what my heart is telling me, and I know what my head is telling me, and it would be so much easier if it were the same message from both of them.

I expect there will be a decision made soon, whether by me or not, and I'll share it with you when it happens.

Nearly Mid-February Update

I find myself already embroiled in this new year.
Securely in the throes of the semester, both as a student (whose first paper of the semester is due next weekend) and as an employee (whose daily workload is ever-increasing and never ceasing), I am busy.
Wedding season has taken off for my co-shooter and me -- we photographed our first elopement yesterday, and have the next two weekends booked with wedding photography and related ephemera.
I survived my first-in-a-long-time severe illness a few weeks ago, and the dredges are still clinging to me. It was a viral cold that turned into a bacterial infection and had me out of the world for six days. The fever broke (thanks to azithromycin) and the green ick stopped showing up in my spittal, but there is still a significant amount of PND that I experience and that is causing a pretty regular sore throat. (Thankfully, a humidifier at night and DayQuil/NyQuil seem to be helping to keep it at bay.)

So...all of these things is why I haven't posted in the last month!

I have a handful of posts rumbling around in my head that I plan to share very soon.
One of them pertains to the Women's March from last month and all the fallout that's come about because of it.
One of them pertains to the current POTUS and my thoughts around all that nonsense.
One of them is about my personal journey and thoughts that I have regarding life in general.

There are probably others, too, but I'm not finding them on the top of my brain right now.

Catch ya on the flip!

Thoughts on the New Year + A Cleansing Ritual

Yesterday my thoughts were full of the traditions that we associate with New Year's Day.

Resolutions.
Special meals.

Rituals.

Celebrations.

I thought about how strange it was that we associate the turning of a calendar with making changes. Why is it that we associate change with the starting of new years but not the starting of new months or weeks? Why not days?

My husband's family eats Hoppin' John every New Year's Day as a way to ensure good luck throughout the year. But does it ever really affect change? (Will we ever know? How could we know?)

As I was showering yesterday, I came up with a new tradition that I'd like to instill in my own life, and one that I think is important for everyone to consider adopting into their own lives.

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The First Shower (An exercise in intention, self-love, and acceptance)
The first shower you take in the new year -- be it after you get home from the party, or when you wake up in the morning, or after your first workout...whenever, really -- should be set with intentions.

I'm listing this in the order that my showers go (hair, face, body) but you can change the steps to fit your shower. This isn't so much a way of changing your shower routine as it is adding an extra step of love to your first shower of any year. You don't want to bring any more baggage from last year with you than necessary. The only thing I might suggest is using a clean towel so as to not undo the intentions you set in your shower by using a towel that the negatively-charged body experienced.

As you get your body acclimated to the water temperature, also get your mind acclimated to a new way of thinking. This is what sets the tone for the rest of your shower.

Let the water run over your head (frontways or backways) and onto your skin. This symbolizes that the thoughts that you are about to think during your shower will flow from your head to the rest of your body, as fluidly and completely as the water does.

Wash your hair as you normally would -- don't change the routine. Think of the negative things you thought about your hair the previous year (too short, too long, the wrong color, too staticky, too much gray, too curly, etc.) and visualize those negative thoughts washing away in the water as you rinse the shampoo out. If you use a separate conditioner, then you can repeat the process if you'd like to.

If you wash your face in the shower (I do), wash it as you always do. As you apply the cleanser or scrub, think about all the things that you thought about your face: E.G., too many wrinkles here at the side of my eyes, too many breakouts along my chin, too many blackheads on my nose, too much plucking always needs done frequently here between my eyebrows, etc. Wash those away in the water when you rinse.

As you wash your body in the shower, do something similar with each area as you cleanse it: I.E. areas that you thought were too big, had too much cellulite, weren't big enough, caused you pain and made you hate them, etc.

Dry off as usual. (See my note about the towel from earlier. Makes more sense now, right?)

If you apply lotion or moisturizers, think about the positive things that you think about each area of your body as you apply it. (These are just examples. Use something that works for you and that applies to your life, and feel free to say as much thanks as you want for each area. I've only listed a few, but you could go on and on.)
"Thank you, face, for greeting the world for me each day."
"Thank you, eyes, for lighting up when I'm excited."
(If you are visually-abled, you could say, "Thank you, eyes, for letting me see the beauty of this world / my children's faces / the sunset / [something specific that applies to your life]."
"Thank you, knees, for letting me use you to rest things on." (If you are temporarily mobility-abled, you could say, "Thank you, knees, for climbing the stairs to my apartment / for taking me through the aisles of the grocery store.")
"Thank you, hands, for allowing me to feel the softness of my dog's fur / the warmth of my coffee cup each morning / the comfort of my partner's hand."
Do this for each area that you apply lotion or moisturizer to.

Click here to print this ritual out.

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So what do you think? Is it something you want to incorporate into your life?
And if so, are you going to do it as each year changes, as the calendar months flip, or as each day starts? 

Thinking Ahead.

I'm already thinking ahead to next year.
About what I want to do and be. About what I want to change and improve from this year's version of myself.

I want to start a meditation practice. It will help, I think, to rediscover my center and increase my mindfulness. I'm going to set aside a space that's for meditation and use it for just that. Whether it's a pillow that I pull out from under the accent table near the sofa and have my meditation and focus objects on the table, or do something similar in my closet, I want to make sure that the space I have set aside has what I'll need and that it can be used easily and without distraction.

I am going to be doing more with my photography in the coming year, especially refining it, now that I have a name for the style of photography that I love doing. (Hop over to my photo blog for more information on that!)

I hope to start journalling again. A personal journal will supplement the meditative practice that I mentioned. It will help to get the gunk out of my head. I've added some stuff to my Amazon wish list to help out with this. I've also got plans and hopes to start another journal for the future -- something that came about after the election madness. (My previous post will elaborate a bit more, though I'm not going into a lot of detail here. My twitter account, however, is pervasively active in the pursuit of the idea that America elected the wrong person on November 8.)

I also am going to start eating primarily vegetarian again on January 1. The only times I won't is when we are at family gatherings and the host would have to inconvenience him or herself to provide me a non-meat meal. I've given myself a lot of hate about when I stopped being vegetarian. It was all out of convenience and that is reprehensible, so I'm fixing it.

I'm not going to hold myself to any sort of promise about this, but if I were to start writing fiction stories again (whether short stories or one of the novels I have had rolling in my head for years) I would love it.

I'm definitely going to continue trying to be the best human, wife, friend, coworker, and admin assistant that I can be. Those are always givens on my list.

I hope that my life will be filled with more changes and more improvements that just what I've listed here, but if not, I will be pretty satisfied. While these changes and improvements don't seem like much to folks outside of my life, they are pretty important to me.

♥

Thankstaking.

Today was a hard day for me.
There were lots of heavy things that I was carrying.

Yes, I know that it was Thanksgiving Day for my fellow Americans.
Yes, I did attend a Thanksgiving meal put on by my in-laws.

It was still a very heavy day.

My heart was laden with recent events that have occurred in this country.
The election & watching my countrymen allow a bigot to become our leader and world representative. (The impact of this was exponentially increased by me finding out last night that one of the people in attendance at today's lunch wanted said bigot to become president - because of the party he was running in and the values associated with said party... Um...don't get me started.)
Everything that has happened and is happening at Standing Rock.
The anniversary of the deaths of Jordan Davis and Tamir Rice the same week that James Means was killed.
Reconciling the Native American blood in my veins against the holiday itself - one that is introduced to children as a happy time when natives and pilgrims shared a meal. This particular aspect of the holiday was exponentially increased by the goings-on at Standing Rock.

But, I went to a lunch with my heavy heart.
I went with my camera -- it was my security blanket and gave me something to do in the silences. It helped ease my anxiety and allowed me to flit from room to room without looking lonely or lost.
I went with the appreciation of what the day has become - a holiday in which we remember all of our blessings and the things that we have to be thankful for - a phoenix rising from the ashes of genocide and misinformed histories.
I went with my husband, knowing that those in attendance would be people who love and support me. (The Republican presidential nominee supporter got lots of side-eye...I'm not sure that anyone who wanted that man in office could love me...)
I went with the wonderful challah loaf that I had to smell him baking last night.
I went and ate (probably) too much food. I went and drank my wine and coffee and ate the pie.

I am grateful to be home, and to be going to bed soon.
I hope next year it isn't too heavy.

Today.

I have started and abandoned many posts since my last one.

Yes the wedding was this weekend.
Yes I have things to say about it.

But that's not what I'm here to do now.

Today, as I'm sure the developed world is well-aware by now, is Election Day here in the US.

The choice is really between an egotistical, misogynistic, bigot and a woman who sent some emails and who chose to stay with her husband after he had an affair.
There are a slew of other names on the ballot this year, but let's face it: those two are the big contenders.

We have someone who could negatively effect the lives of millions of American citizens, present and future, and someone who could tax the rich.

Since Thursday and Anticipating

{Welcome to another iteration of one of those random posts that occasionally shows up on this blog.}

I have really been into acoustic music lately.

My radio station of choice has been The Colorado Sound (found locally at 105.5, and online at ColoradoSound.org). They don't have commercials, which is one reason I haven't changed it. Also, the music they play is kick-ass. The stations features a mix of acoustic songs, old favorites (and not just from the 90's!), and new songs. Mindful of music history, they also play a song based on what happened on that day in history. (For example, on the anniversary of Johnny Cash's death, they played "Folsom Prison Blues.") 

Sometimes I'll switch to NPR's local music station
My Spotify playlists heavily feature acoustic music, and also include rock (indie, folk, mainstream) and country. I have accumulated music on personalized playlists there for the wedding, too, featuring music from all of those genres (and some not listed.)
I've also enjoyed branching out and trying new music there. Last night it was a playlist called "African  Heat" which is a collection of hits that are hot on the African continent right now. Not only was the music awesome, but, as an anthropology student, it gave me a unique perspective into various cultures around Africa. (And there were some notable themes, too.)

This weekend was a relaxing one.
I took a nap Saturday and had the windows open for most of the day. Jake was off to Greeley to watch a movie with his brother. I got photos edited and then, without much warning, went to help a friend shoot some senior photos in Greeley. Any time there is photography involved, it's a great time.
(In fact, having a camera in my hand last weekend at my bridal shower helped to calm my nerves of awkwardness.)

We were up late Saturday night and ended up sleeping in til 11 on Sunday to make up for it. (Oops.) Then we went out for pancakes as one final carb-heavy breakfast for me because I started the induction phase of Atkins today.

I managed to survive a trip to the grocery store without my anxiety/depression meds in my system. (They are far enough gone out of my system that I can tell they are gone.) It was a questionable survival -- my anxiety level rose significantly at least two times that I can remember.

And yes, you read that right -- I am starting Atkins.

I have seen success in Jake's aunt, uncle, and cousin, so I am wanting to give it a shot.
Is is a smart idea starting it with the wedding less than six weeks away? Maybe not. But if I can get to the point where I don't need the corset and the Spanx, I will be happy. I don't want to have to buy a  new dress or have more stuff done to the one I have by any means -- I don't want need to incur another expense or have alterations take more time than they are. 

I was very excited to see that you can do Atkins as a vegetarian, so long as (during induction, at least) you source your proteins from soy. I'll be doing a mix of both vegetarian and non-vegetarian options to get varying protein sources in my diet. We bought bacon, eggs, chicken, sliced ham, two kinds of tofu, lots of frozen veggies, two bags of salad mix, and a steak -- that way Jake has a variety of foods, too. He's not doing this with me, but he does have to eat the same (or similar) at-home meals that I am.

So far the induction piece hasn't been bad. I had two hard boiled eggs for breakfast and broccoli, ham, and red wine vinaigrette for lunch. I brought a bag of salad greens, four more hard-boiled eggs, and a seafood snacker in case I get peckish later. (Which I probably will because I'm feeling hungry right now.)

Friday I heard about the job. At this time they are not pursuing my candidacy for the position.
I'm honestly a bit lost -- I pictured myself there so vividly that returning to my job without the possibility of parole is a bit shocking. (And so far today we have been incredibly busy and it's felt incredibly overwhelming today.) I don't know what that means. We typically expect overwhelming busyness for the first two weeks of each semester, but we are entering week five and there is no end to the pace.
I've told my supervisor that it feels like I'm having to do one full time job and another 3/4 time job, but I'm only allowed to do 1 full time job and it's really overwhelming. I don't know how to manage this, and I'm scared to admit that.
She has said that she feels like our office is a volcano that is bubbling, and it reached the point of starting to seep out of the top. I have felt like that for a long time, and, even though she mentioned it, I feel like a failure because of it.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a place here in town to look at our finances and help us possibly reduce our debt. I hope they can help us. I don't like feeling like a failure. I'm not even sure what happened, really -- I was doing fine when I was living on my own. My bills were paid on time (maybe one or two times when I was late). One thing I know that happened is that we are dining out quite a bit because neither of us feel like cooking -- I rarely dined out when I was living alone. My meals were planned, I had portions of things in my fridge - even snacks.

Blah.

Tomorrow also brings another dress appointment.
This one will hopefully be my last one. (I still have to get that sucker cleaned, yo.)
Two of my bridesmaids are coming to see how I get into it and see how it's bustled, so they can help if my mom isn't able to help either time. (And typically I think that bridesmaids help with the bustling, anyway, but what do I know, really.)

Anyway, this is going to be one helluva ride.
Between no meds, no carbs, and lots of things to do, I'm going to be sleeping a lot and may not get a chance to update this.
(I've been treating it like a diary anyway, kinda, so maybe I'll need to make a point to make a post or two.)

Here Comes the Rain Again

So many things on my brain right now.

Waiting to hear back from the interview. The busyness in my current position. House cleaning things. Wedding things. Family things. Health things. Money things. (And somehow they are all tied together, besides the knot that binds them all in my brain.)

I'm a little bit "thinged" out at the moment.

But that's not why I decided to post today.

I wanted to post to get my brain away from those things, so I'll be talking about something else for a bit. :)

I've created some secret boards on Pinterest that I have been saving ideas to for event planning stuff.
I've discovered that I really do love weddings, entertaining, decorating, and helping people plan their events.
I can't go anywhere now without looking at layouts of rooms, mentally choosing decor that would go together for a theme / season, and thinking about what the interior of buildings [would] look like and what it would be like to have a wedding / reception in that space.

It's one dream that I really don't think will ever come to fruition, but it sure is fun to think about.

I kind of place that in the realm of staying home and doing the photographer thing full time: probably won't happen (unless some wonderful windfall befalls us and I can seriously upgrade my equipment) but re-emerging and fun to entertain the thought of.

There's some saying out there that if something keeps coming up for you, you should pursue it.
If a dream reoccurs, you should look into it.
If there's a passion that you can't get out of your mind, you should look into pursuing it.

Just coming from where I'm at emotionally and psychologically right now, those two dreams (event planning and photography) are not meant for someone like me. They are better left for someone with more...just more.
I'm better relegated to the blue- and pink-collar industries. No entrepreneurship for me. I shouldn't even think about it. It isn't for "people like me."

...and now I've slipped into the world of negativity again.

I'm going to stop now, in case it gets worse and continues. #nodownwardspirals

Prepping.

It's nearly 11pm as I start this post. 

It's not unusual for me to be up this late on a Sunday, unfortunately, but this Sunday falls on Labor Day weekend, so I won't have to deal with drowsiness tomorrow. 

I haven't been busy this weekend, but I haven't been lazy either. It's been a nice mix of both. My brain says I should devote more of my remaining free day being productive, since my to-do list remains hella long, but I also know there's beauty to be found in down time. 

I got my closet reorganized yesterday. All the way, this time. (Last time it was just the shirts -- this time it was EVERYTHING.)

I have also spent a lot of time this weekend prepping for my interview on Tuesday. (That job I mentioned a few posts back? I'm one of three people interviewing for it!) It's a job in an executive-level office, so I bought a business suit the other day. I've been practicing answering questions. I've been studying the job description. I'm taking this seriously. I will still be sad to leave my current coworkers, but I would be so stoked to have this new position. I have also turned various social media accounts private in preparation for Tuesday. 

I also finished what I could on a wedding project today. (At least one more trip to JoAnn's is necessary to get the final pieces.)

During a quick trip to Kay Jewelers, we sized Jake's ring finger today (10.25) and found out what thinness of band he prefers (5mm-6mm). Now he just has to find the right band. 

I'm also prepping for my bridal shower on Saturday. Mentally anyway. Yikes. 

And a finalish fitting of my gown is this week too. 

As if that isn't enough, I'm also preparing to start the Atkins diet. Jake's cousin has been doing it for a month and has lost 17 lbs so far; I could stand to lose >34 lbs in the next two months. Holy crap the wedding is in two months!! 

There is still a bunch of other things to do on my list (thank you, anxious brain, for never letting me forget). While I'm going to try to get the majority of them done tomorrow, there's also a lunchtime birthday party for my love tomorrow, so we'll see. *crosses fingers* 

Forgetful.

I cannot believe that I forgot to mention one other thing that I have wanted to be when I grow up!
It's so integral to my childhood, and even influenced some of the classes I took in college.

Writer.
When I was fourteen, I spent the better part of the summer writing a story that ended up being twenty pages long. I printed it out, glued the pages together, and it was something I was so proud of. It was full of love and romance. Before that, as a child, I'd never leave the house without a pen and a pad of paper to write things down on. Even now, I find things all the time that inspire me to include in the epic that I will one day write. (I have a Pinterest board and a tumblr site devoted to such inspirations.) A poem I wrote at the age of twelve made its way into a book. A friend of mine gifted me a set of nice pens and a notebook to use to write down my poems in. I took a junior-level poetry class when I was a freshman. I am seriously kicking myself that I didn't include writer in my first and original list, as integral to my life as writing has been. (And yes, I have seen myself as a published author many times, and I still do. I just lack the discipline to get stuff going.)

Also...
I left off another one.

Crafter.
I've had an Etsy site for a long time. My original intention was to sell handmade cards and bookmarks on there. Now it's evolved into also including photograph prints, felt crafts, and other handmade things. There's nothing for sale on there, currently. I've never had anything for sale on there. I'm not honestly sure what's stopping me. I think it's one of those things that I think I'll do when I have time, but I have yet to make the time. Also having made (and, let's be real, still making) things for my wedding and reception, I have lots of ideas of things to include for sale on my Etsy site. I still don't discount that I will do this someday. Maybe when I'm a stay at home mom. Maybe next summer. The way I  have envisioned it lately is selling as a husband-wife team with Jacob: he'd make things like his foam swords or bits of furniture, and I'd make my stuff, and we'd be a wonderful happy Etsy couple. Or maybe I'd keep Etsy for myself and we'd branch off into Scoutmob for our joint venture. I still don't discount it. Maybe I'll have to wait until we have my family's land for this dream to come to fruition. Jacob would be able to have a shop. I'd be able to have a crafting cottage (and a photo studio!) and we'd be set. The dream of crafter has never been a stand-alone job for me -- it's always been in conjunction with something else.

Oh well.

Who knows what else my brain will remind me of in the coming days that I've forgotten to include on this list, so I may be back. :)

An Ever-Growing List

Last week on Twitter, I posted this tweet

..and then I thought that it might be cool to walk down memory lane and post all of the things that I've ever wanted to be when I grow up.
It's an expansive and ever-growing list.
I'll try to keep it in chronological order, but I make no promises or guarantees that this is the order they occurred in. :)

Police officer.
The earliest recorded history of me indicating this was when I was four and the preschool I went to asked all the kids what they wanted to be. I'm not sure where this idea came from, but I find it interesting that similar careers have been featured later in life. (You'll see, later in the list.)

Teacher.
This has been a recurring career-dream of mine, starting when I was a child. Then, when it came time for me to declare a major for prospective universities, I put down "Secondary Education" and went off to pursue a degree so I could teach both high school English & history. My major became "Elementary Education" when I changed schools a year later. When classes started in August 2009 -- and my third attempt at getting a post-secondary degree, after taking five years off -- I decided that if I were to teach any audience, it would be college students. Even to this day, I know that teaching will somehow be a part of my life, even if it means just homeschooling my children. (I have a Pinterest board with ideas on either how to support my children's education in school or lessons / worksheets to teach them at home.)

Paleontologist / Archaeologist
When I was a kid, I wanted to discover dinosaurs and ancient life so much that I would go and start digging through dirt and brushing things away and looking at rocks of all different sizes, shapes, and patterns. In my youth, I wasn't sure of the difference between paleontology and archaeology, so my youthful brain often used one in place of the other. The release of Jurassic Park only served to fuel this desire -- and Indiana Jones was another movie I'd watch with wide eyes, wanting so bad to be with Indy in the places he saw. Even now, as I'm majoring in anthropology, there is a piece of me that wants to go to Olduvai and assist with digs there, as well as other places around the world. (Some even as close as the southern part of Colorado!)

Geologist.
This was mostly just in line with my paleontology / archaeology dreams - I  knew that certain rocks meant certain things. A certain type of sediment meant that certain types of things might be found there. I was also obsessed with rocks when I was a kid. Like, truly. I'd go for walks and collect rocks. My mom, to this day, has a rock in her kitchen window to remind her of my childhood obsession. My parents even bought me a rock polisher for Christmas (or was it a birthday?) so I could see what was inside rocks.

Rock star.
This one mostly came about after I met and befriended some specific classmates in elementary school. (Most of whom I'm still friends with today.) They introduced me to the New Kids on the Block (oh oh oh-ho-ho, oh oh oh-ho) and we all started dreaming about being in a band. I'd play the keyboard (or, later, the drums) and occasionally back-up the other girls on the singing part. We also had a guitarist. This dream, thankfully, died long ago.

Youth pastor.
When I was in high school, this career choice became part of my "I'd like to be that" list and ceded only to teacher by the time graduation came around. (See, I figured, by graduation, that I'd become a teacher married to a youth pastor.) It was fueled by my renewed participation in church. I was even on my church's Bible Quiz team and became a youth leader in my church.

Chef / Caterer.
I took a foods and catering class during the last semester of my junior year, and I wanted to be a caterer. I'd be a chef that only catered events, and I'd have all of my own tables, table linens, chairs, and other rental equipment -- all personalized by color, of course. I even looked into attending Johnson & Wales University in Denver and fell in love with the campus during a class visit.

Actress.
Though the dream of being a rock star died, the dream of being in the spotlight didn't when I took a drama class in high school and became an understudy for the main part in a play. (I'm so glad that the main person didn't get sick or break her leg -- I never memorized the lines!)

Housewife.
This is another one of those recurring dream-careers. (And yes, I fully consider this to be a career!) I'd be a full-time, stay-at-home wife / mother who would take care of the house and kids and run most of the errands. When my children were old enough to go to school, I'd join a book club and help out at bake sales to keep myself occupied. This, honestly, is what I'd love to be above everything else on this list. I know that it probably won't happen, unless we win the lottery, but hey, a girl's gotta dream, right?

Someone in an office.
Commuting via public transit. Wearing business suits. Preparing that report that's due by 5. Hosting meetings. Running presentations. Getting things scheduled. Working late to meet deadlines. Bringing in coffees for the entire team. Yep -- I dreamed it. I kinda have it. (I don't have to wear business suits, I don't host meetings, and I'm not allowed to work late.)

Navy pilot / Navy chaplain.
After my first year of college, when I came back home that summer, I hooked up with the Navy. I did weekly PTs with them. I womaned their booth at the Greeley Stampede. I read over the STA-21 manual. I was memorizing the Sailors Creed and the 11 General Orders of A Sentry. I got down to needing to lose just fifteen more pounds before I'd be allowed to go to Basic. My plan was to finish my degree, lose those fifteen pounds, and go to Basic as an E-3 (Petty Officer Third Class). At first, I wanted to be a pilot, but my eyesight is bad and so I changed my interest to being a Chaplain. (I could use my then-declared degree of psychology and my aforementioned desire of being a youth pastor.) A few years later, I reached out to the Navy to find out more information about it because I thought about pursuing the USN again, but my thyroid condition had been diagnosed by that point, and the only way they'd take me, the recruiter said, was if I was cleared by a doctor as to no longer needing the medication. So that was out.

Wanderer.
Just leave with a backpack full of things and all the cash I had / have / saved up, and go. I'd work my way from place to place, making enough to pay for a cheap flat and food while saving the rest, only staying between six months to three years in one place. I'd get to see the world (or at least just Europe) that way.

Forensic psychologist.
Look at a crime and tell local authorities the characteristics of the person who committed it. Spend my time interviewing and therapizing criminals. Yep. I wanted to do it!

Crime scene investigator.
Combine my love of science, my love of solving puzzles, and my love of wanting to help people, and you get this perfect career!

An FBI agent.
Basically, see the last two, but on a national level.

A spy.
Seriously - travel the world, sneak into places, and risk my life for national secrets. What kid hasn't wanted to be a spy at some point in their lives?

Photographer.
One of the more recent additions to the list, this one is also a recurring dream. While I do, at the moment, take photographs (and, recently, videos) on the weekends, I frequently find myself wanting to do it full time. Have a crew of cameras at my disposal, a wardrobe for clients to dress in that Sue Bryce would envy, a wonderful studio space with TONS of natural lighting, backgrounds upon backgrounds to choose from, any prop that anyone could want...yes, please, can I have this? There's a huge part of me that would love to also photograph landscapes, and why can't I do both? On a trip to Colorado's eastern plains last year, I was struck by the openness of the land and the weather that met me on that summer's day. I wanted, so badly, to become someone who just photographed weather. Like uproot myself for three months out of the year and just go and photograph weather phenomena.

Cultural anthropologist.
I'm ready to combine my desire of being a wanderer with my love of culture and language. I'm ready to go live in a place for a while, earn the trust of the natives of that place, and learn as much as I can about that place and its people. This can be anywhere from the farming communities in eastern Colorado to the rain forests of Subsaharan Africa.

Event planner.
The most recent career-dream of mine is to be an event planner. I'd plan everything: children's parties, bridal showers, engagements, weddings, retirement parties, funerals. Flowers, linens, invitations, bar menus, themes, favors, items to add to registries...man, I'd do it all. I would become a personal party assistant to people, going to places like Pier 1 and buying a terrarium that would work as a card box for my quirky bride whose theme just fits so perfectly with that. Yes, please! I'm ready to start now. Oh wait -- I need an office. And a warehouse to store all of my wonderful party supplies. And a financier to supply everything. (Start up costs are a bitch.)

Well there you go!

That's most of everything that I've wanted to be when I grow up. (I'm sure I'm forgetting a thing or several.)
There are several of those things on the list that I still want to be when I grow up.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Signs, Signs, Everywhere A Sign

I am one of those people who believes in signs. 

The day after I turned in my application a few weeks ago, I saw a ladybug outside of our apartment. 🐞

And today, the day that I set up my interview, I saw a ladybug near a doorway going into my current place of work. 

(The camera on my phone preferred focusing on the stairs in the background through several different tries, but whatever.) 

So I'm taking those sightings as signs of good luck. 🙌🏼👍🏼

Please keep your fingers crossed for me! 😘

Unpacking.

It's been a while since I've gone deep, and the surface-level posts that I have shared have left a gaping hole where the truth wants to come out.
So, consider yourself warned: this post will start out superficial, and then go deep.
Feel free to leave now if you so choose. :)

I've been finding and falling in love with new music lately. A lot of what has caught my ear has been acoustic, but there has been some alt-rock stuff, too. My love and use of Spotify has helped with that. I have built extensive lists of music for our upcoming wedding, since I need to have three different playlists, and it's been a wonderful resource for finding new artists and music.

My brain has continued thinking about the event-planning course of action that was mentioned a few posts ago. I'm not eliminating it from my list of possibilities -- so much so that I've actually changed the name of my photography business to go along with it remaining as a possibility. That means that I've had to redesign my business logo, and I'm creating a new website to go along with it. (I'll get into that elsewhere, so I'm not going to do that here.)

I have applied for another position on campus, much to my own bittersweetness.
I love my work family. I would miss them, my regular interaction with the students, and the familiarity with what I do there. The thought of starting something new is a bit frightening -- especially since I'm not unhappy where I am.
I think I'm just feeling an overall sense of overwhelm where I am. I'm expected to be a receptionist at a busy front desk AND an administrative assistant without any chance of staying late, coming in early, or working on the weekends. One or the other or a manageable mix of both, but don't give me one-and-three-fourths full-time assignments and expect it to be all done in the time of one without allowing for some leeway and comp time. (FLSA is kicking my butt.)
The position for which I applied is a different classification, meaning that I can work more than forty hours as necessary as the duties dictate. (Something that I would consider a boon in my current position, especially during the months of July and August when so much is happening administratively!) I also wouldn't mind the chance to just do the administrative piece for a while, and step out of the customer-service-centered role (since every job I've ever had has been heavily customer-service oriented). From what I've seen in my three years of experience, it's also a rare thing for administrative assistants to have a chance to move up or advance at the university. The position is for more money than I currently make, too, which is another boon. 

It's been months since I've paid my bills in full.
At the time of writing this, I am currently behind on both credit cards, both student loans, and my phone bill. I think I also still have yet to pay the gas and electric bills for this month. We have a place to live, food to eat, a fed and happy pup, and cars to drive, so I don't feel like a complete failure. 
I hate collection phone calls. I've gotten to the point that I don't even answer the phone unless it's someone I know. Granted, they're probably willing and able to help me figure out a payment plan, but I can't just do that when I'm driving home. I also don't like answering the phone when I'm at work -- which is the case a lot of the time when they call. I hate collection mail. I'm grateful that it only comes for the bills that I get electronically, but I don't like seeing the red PAST DUE stamped across the front. I know and understand that it's that psychology that makes people want to take action and remedy the situation, which is precisely why companies use the PAST DUE as they do. And it's not that I don't want to pay the bills -- I desperately, so desperately -- want to. We've just had a lot of expensive, unexpected events happen since we've moved in, and we haven't been able to really keep our heads above water. 
We are just another sad American statistic about being one of the commonly-found households that couldn't financially survive a fiscally-catastrophic event. We have no savings. We have nothing liquid that would support us if one of us got laid off or injured and unable to work. We're living in an apartment that neither of us could even afford on our own. Combined, we don't even make the median household income of the city we live in, but we make too much to qualify for aid. (How does that work?)

Because of all this work and financial stress, I've been neglecting myself.
I just started a skincare routine again last week. (After not sticking to one for a month because my TimeWise cleanser from MaryKay ran out, and, in the face of all the financial stuff going on, I didn't feel like spending $20 on my face.) I'm using Aveeno Absolutely Ageless cleanser, and I had to give it a few days to know what to truly expect, but I like it. I still have lots of my other TimeWise accouterments, including the moisturizer and the day and night creams, so I have been supplementing the Aveeno cleanser with those, and they all seem to play nicely together. (Since allegations came out earlier this year about MaryKay and animal testing, I will not be replacing my current supply once it's gone and will probably transition to the complete line of Absolutely Ageless for my facial skincare needs.)
I have not been eating right or exercising, and my weight is nearly back up to where it was when I started the weight loss program that I've been doing. I figured that the weddings I shot last month counted as my exercise for the day, but then it became super-busy at work AND I had to cull and compress the images for client proofing, so I was (a) exhausted and (b) sitting a lot more when I got home. Of course, being tired prevented us from cooking at home more (a goal I've had for a long time) and choices were not always health ones. My body can tell that we haven't been active -- my legs hurt and my back is stiff.
Add in a nice batch of guilt for feeling like I should be doing some housework or working on some of our remaining wedding crafts when I have "free time" (like even now, for an example) and there's a nice big batch of "yep, that thirty-minute cardio and subsequent twenty-minute shower is not going to happen." All of this has also increased my stress-eating, something I didn't even really recognize was as pervasive in myself as it is until about four months ago. (So there have been quite a few trips to the vending machine at the end of the hallway for chocolate.)

I want to say that I'll get better now that this is all of my chest. That I'll start exercising twice a day, every day (which is what I need to do to feel like I did everything I could to get healthy come November 5) and that I'll suddenly get a grip on my finances and my time-management so I'll be able to do everything and the Renaissance woman I idealize myself being in my head. My apartment will always be immaculate and my refrigerator will always be full of prepped meals ready to go for the next two days. I will always have weight-loss shakes for breakfast, salads for lunch, and fruits for snacks.

For those who may not know, I've been on antidepressants for over a year. It's led me to feeling like a robot, time and time again.
While I don't feel the negative emotions as strongly as I once did, I also don't feel positive emotions much at all. My current "happy" or "content" is what was once a solid line in the middle of my emotional graph. It's like I don't feel anything unless it's a negative emotion or a primal one (fear).
I've also been seeing a therapist regularly over the last year. He's helping me deal with my anxiety, sense of low-worth, depression, and suicidality. He's trying to change the way that I talk to myself -- using caring, compassionate language instead of language that isn't very nice or loving. There are a lot of things that we need to unpack, because there are a lot of things I've been carrying for far too long. And some of those things that I've been carrying have morphed into something else and ingratiated themselves into my life in ways that are twisted and Stockholmsian, so we really have our work cut out for us.
I know things will get better.
They have to, right?

Behold My Field

I like starting things on specific days or milestones.

Like promising to start exercising on the first day of the upcoming week or telling yourself that you'll put moisturizer on your face every night starting on the first of the next month.

Well, today I turned 31. I didn't have any big goals set for myself (aside from maybe a more regimented skincare routine, but I've already gotten a pretty good one down thanks to my visit from my Mary Kay lady in January) and even the small ones didn't happen. 

Do I feel like a loser or like I didn't get anything done? 

No, no I don't. 

Maybe that's the gift given to us as we age each year: our field of fucks is cleared out a little bit more. 

Three Month Updates (Again)

The semester has finally ended.
We are now working into summer.

Hooray!

The talk around the office these days is all about getting things ready for the move into the new building, which will finally combine all of my organization into one building. (Currently, my department is across the street from the majority of our organization.)
I have my own set of tasks for this process: scanning old documents since we won't have a basement full of filing cabinets, making sure our current forms are in our online document management system, and participating in the paper purge (happening July 19).
This in addition to preparing for a site visit from our accreditation agency, meaning I have to make sure the last six years of evaluations are up to date and all accounted for and prepare a new spreadsheet for use with all evaluations going forward.
...plus, I have my usual summer tasks of preparing to welcome our new training staff, including stuffing a whole bunch of binders with information that they'll need in their first three weeks of on-boarding with us.

I am finally seeing results from my weight loss program! I took about three weeks off and didn't do anything for it: no exercise, no tracking, nothing.
I got back on the wagon and started with Cardio 2 a few weeks ago. I've noticed a difference in the way my clothes fit. (And I'm finally down below 280 lbs!) I'm excited to see where this momentum takes me.

One of the recurring parts of my job is planning and coordinating many events, like welcoming new trainees and then saying goodbye to them. Someone asked if I'd ever considered being an event planner, and I hadn't really. Years ago (we're talking high school), when I wanted to own my own catering business, I guess it was partially event-oriented, as I would supply the food AND the linens, chairs, tables, etc. But, since that coworker asked me about it last month, I will admit that I have regularly thought about pursuing that path.
Even at the wedding that I just photographed this weekend, I was thinking about it.
When Jake and I were at Barnes and Noble, I thought about it. (I even selected magazines to look at that were event-oriented.)
I think it would be amazing to help people plan events, and to take over when they are lacking in ideas. (Thanks to my mama's encouragement and examples growing up, I am able to look at something and see it a million different ways than just the way it was intended to be used.)
Who knows where this newfound desire will take me.
I've thought about asking Jake's cousin if I could shadow her when she does an event. (She does them all the time for her church, and, actually, she's coordinating my wedding, so...)

Ugh. Wedding.
Things are happening. Things are being planned. Crafts are being made. That's about it. :)
(I'll properly update the wedding blog at some point soon, but for now, that's all I got.)

Here's to hoping I update more regularly in the coming weeks! :)

Snow Day!

I have a snow day today! (My honey does, too!)

The traffic light near our apartment.

Let's see how much I get done today.

What I'm wanting to do: 

• finish creating our engagement photo book (free coupon from Shutterfly!)
• work on homework (technical manual due on Friday and a 10-12 page rough draft due next Friday)
• edit some senior photos
• dishes
• workout

I don't have high hopes -- my eyes are already droopy.

My brain was awake at 5:30 and I wasn't able to go back to sleep, so I figured sleepiness would be something I'd deal with today. (But I wasn't anticipating being able to actually deal with it.)

Things.

In mid-December, I was diagnosed with diabetes. Hooray.
I started taking the two medications that the doctor gave me, like a good girl, two pills at breakfast and a third at dinner. Every afternoon, like clockwork, between 2:30 and 3:00, my blood sugar would plummet and I would need something to eat -- fast. It didn't matter that I had already eaten lunch at 11:00 or 12:00. So, naturally, I stopped taking the medication, and then made an appointment to go back in and see him.

We're trying something new with the medication now, where I'm taking one of the original medications at breakfast and then again at dinner time with plans to increase that same medication to two pills at each bookend meal of the day.

I've been doing a lifestyle change with a program called Real Appeal through my insurance. I'd call it a diet, but it's really more than just changing how you're eating. It's also teaching you how to eat, what to eat, and what kinds of exercise you should be doing. The Success Kit came with a food scale, a Magic Bullet-like blender, a stretchy exercise band, a scale, measuring cups and spoons, a set of exercise DVDs, a portion plate, and a recipe book. There's an online class every week that lasts for thirty minutes. There's also a place on the website where each of the members logs his or her weight, exercise, and food every day. (Well, ok, the weight thing is once a week at least.)

This program, at its basic level, is very similar to the other two programs that I did, one through my insurance last year and one through the university for the six weeks before that. This program, though, came with all kinds of things to help you be successful. Where the previous program had the class every week and included a lot of the same material, this program came with a set of exercise DVDs and a recipe book. Those two things right there are huge when you're going down this path. Instead of just hearing your coach say, "You need to log in at least thirty minutes of work this week," you have something that you can go do -- you have the tools in front of you. There's even a workout schedule that is completely optional to follow, and the suggested meal plans are customizable. I feel that if I can keep on this program, I will be successful.

That's the problem though: keeping on the program.

I followed it great for two or so weeks, and then fell off the wagon and didn't do any extra exercise for three weeks...or was it four? All I know is, I'm supposed to be doing Cardio 2. This morning, when I decided to get back on the wagon, I put in Cardio 1 just to get my feet wet, and the tap-out jacks were killer on my arms. I was very glad that the same two exercises that I've had to modify in the past (jump ropes and jogging in place) were the same two that I had to modify today, and that I didn't have to modify any additional exercises. I didn't leave this morning's workout the most sweaty that I've left it before, but I also don't think I was pushing myself as hard as I could. The meal plans have never been something I could follow, but logging my food is super easy. (I had to do that with my previous program and getting back in the habit was easy.) The recipes that we've tried out of the book (namely the Baked BBQ Chicken and the Chocolate Pudding [made with silken tofu]) have been really delicious.

The real reason that I'd stopped exercising was that I was having a bout of depression. That nasty little beast likes to rear its fugly head in my life every now and then. The great news is that my weight didn't go up or down much more than its regular yo-yo pattern during that bout. I'm not sure what pulled me out of it, but I did set up an inspiration board in two places in the apartment so I can be reminded of why I'm doing this. These boards include inspirational quotes and photos of children, since getting healthy to be a healthy mom for my future children is a big reason why I'm doing this.

"What -- not your wedding?"

Losing weight will be a bonus for my wedding, but it's not the main reason that I have for losing weight. Sure, I don't want my arms to be bulks of jiggle that day, but it just seems like losing weight for my wedding is a selfish reason, and my innermost Self is Others motivated -- so: kiddos.

I don't know why this was the story that I wanted to share with you after nearly three months of silence, but it is. When I was thinking about it the other day, I felt like I should share it with readers of my blog. Who knows -- maybe it will help someone.

BTW: I have a wedding blog, too. I've got several posts in queue, but not many posts as of yet. Don't worry -- more are coming. If you care to follow it or peruse it, just click here and you'll be taken there. :)